It is like a mirror. You reach out to touch what appears to be real and it is only an image made of light reflections. When the light is no longer on the reflection, it ceases. It goes away. But, where? Filling the frame is something else in its place. This is what dying seems to be like. The light ceases, the image leaves. What is left is the memory. Or it is like a sunset, the sun dips and the memories of the day are what remain.
I am remembering a young man, Dan, who grew up in the same neighborhood as my children. I know this family. One of the daughters was the same age as Anna. They played together. This 24 year old young man was a friend of Sara's. They were lifeguards together at the neighborhood pool. I watched him many times sitting in that chair of responsibility twirling the whistle on a string round and round on his finger, over and over again. His job was to save the children. His job was to blow the whistle when there was trouble and to act as a big brother who could make the pool safe. But, life was not safe for Dan. Yesterday we learned that he died in Illinois a couple of days ago.
Such a dichotomy. Life is filled with so many personal and poignant stories of sadness and loss. And this sad story touches our family as we fight for the life of our daughter. Some leave the planet early and there is no why, the light ceases. Some are saved only by a miracle and the light increases.
I always knew that I was fighting for the life of my child. This young man's mother never knew her son would have departed at such a young and tender age. In a way, this is a gift that is given in situations like I have had. As hard as it has been, I have been conscious about this path. I have known that there would be an untimely end. It has been a child's lifetime of preparing and seizing the moments and tasting the moments with all the buds in my mouth. I knew that each moment was precious. I hope that she did too. I think she did, as she is a nurse, a caregiver, and a woman deeply interested in chronicling life through photography.
When life is young it only makes sense that life will continue and grow deep into oldness. Sometimes it is taken for granted that the light will never go out until later. How else could we cope if that is something we always worried about for everyone. We have to have faith that it will continue for our healthy children or life would seem meaningless. But when you have a child whose life is truly in danger there is an awareness that heightens and if you let it, an appreciation grows making each moment count. This is a gift given to all of those that have to deal with serious illness, if they are willing to receive it. I hope that each moment of Dan's life is savored by his family. Each smile is remembered, each crazy little thing he did is fondly thought of. My heart is sad for his loss, and goes out to the family.
And then again at this time of struggle for life and the joy that will come with a miracle, another person will die and donate organs. This journey is so mixed with it all. Yesterday I also received an email from a dear friend who has been thinking about this and sent me her words on how she views this karmic situation.
"I have been thinking a lot of your situation with wanting the transplant, but then realizing that someone must die in order to give the gift of life to Anna. But we know that people are dying every minute of every day all over the world. Young and old, healthy and unhealthy and it is the circle of life. These people have all had the grace of life. We are all going to die and we don't know when and that is part of the big mystery.
Someone is going to die in this world who is healthy right now and they will give Anna their healthy lungs. They have made that conscious decision already. They know that if they die and they have healthy organs that they will donate them and that knowledge I am sure makes them happy. Happy to know that when their life is over in some way they can still continue to add to the quality of life in this world. They will let Anna live a longer, healthier life and then she will shower her world on Casey and you and Doug and Sara and untold other friends and family with her love and grace, and then you shower me and Bill and untold other people with your love and grace and it goes on and on and on and on.
We all do that when we are alive and even after we are gone but some people get to give a super turbo charge of grace to the universe by making such an unselfish and loving gesture of organ donation. Wow! What a wonderful person for Anna to receive lungs from. I am going to send that person and all people thoughts of loving kindness." Thank you so much, Peggy.
The gifts that Dan gave in his life will be too many to count for those that loved him. He will always be alive in the hearts of those he was close to. This will also be true of those who are so fortunate in their passing that they are able to offer organs to save lives. May all of these losses have meaning. May all those mothers and loved ones that are left behind receive comfort and recognize the gift of life, the grace of love and the special light in the eyes of everyone they pass by every day.
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