An Internal Intellectual Discourse or Simply, Why?

I woke up thinking. What is this spin I am putting on my experience? I am aware that things happen. They do, things simply happen. CF simply happens because of the genetic reality in the physical world. The universe has certain physical laws that cause things to happen. Things are connected in life and when one thing happens it is like dominoes and that causes other things to happen. Perhaps this physical causality is all that there really is. Perhaps these ideas that look for meaning in the happenings are just made up. And what if they are?

I believe this is about what makes the human experience unique. It is why humans look for spirit and God. It appears that animals in their realm are much more able to Be with the physical workings of the universe. They just are. A rabbit does rabbit-ness. They jump around the garden, hide in holes, eat greens, make babies and if the coyote comes, gets eaten. No drama, just what happens. It seems this is not so for the human.

The human has similar functions to the rabbit, he sleeps, runs around, makes babies, eats and also is devoured by circumstances. But the human is different in that he is creative and has drama. The human has made tools that he uses to influence and shape the world. The human contemplates when the sun goes up and the sun goes down. The human watches the rabbit and the coyote and says, "no coyote is going to get me", and builds a house. The human finds ways to not meet up with the coyote and creates stories as to why, in a day, the sun goes up and the sun goes down.

Essential to our nature, we are creative. Also essential to our nature, we have "feelings". I suppose that rabbits have feelings too. They can sense and feel when a coyote is near. That is why they have learned to burrow. We can feel like that too, but we also have feelings of emotion and grief. And we have creative ways that we cover up our feelings. This is also so human and not rabbit like. Instead of letting things be as we grow and mature we create ways to "cope" with the feelings we do and do not like. We create a storyline, our own personal storyline. This is so uniquely human, don't you think? Is there anyone that you know that does not consciously and unconsciously participate in the creation of their own storyline? I don't think a bunny does that. Of course, I am not totally sure of that. It does not appear so because of the simple nature of a bunny's life.

So, this has to do with my spin. Life happens. I live it. I experience it. I choose with my mind to find meaning in it. I create my storyline. I create my beliefs. I create a blog. In this blog I am using my feelings about my experience and painting a picture from a creative perspective. This is a perspective that seeks to find meaning in my experience. Because, I believe, there is no better way to live it. For me, meaning gives depth and richness to the taste of living. It gives color and shape and hope and lightness to "what happens". It gives us a way to communicate and connect on a feeling level. Humans need relationships with each other, they need to connect, especially when they are troubled and challenged with illness and other catastrophes.

Because humans see so much; because they can study the interconnectedness and mechanics of how the coyote sees the rabbit, how he hunts, how he kills, and how he digests, the human is stuck with the dilemma of his own intelligence, creative mind and feelings. What I am learning about in my life story is that reacting to the feelings that come up in me creates drama and a story that is difficult. Feeling the feelings when they arise seems to open me and lets the creative juices flow. This seems to be the way to experience life in more dimensions, with more possibilities.

So, why is it that I am writing about this internal intellectual discourse with you? I guess it is because I woke up, felt the urge, opened the computer, and wrote these words. I needed to put on "paper" this personal understanding, this way of explaining why I am sharing what I am. I am seeking ways to go deeper into the feelings that arise in me and to deliberately create and find meaning about my experiences so that they are, "not to be for not". To make this life with CF more than the rigor, the pain of watching my daughter and my family suffer from the inconveniences and challenges of this yucky disease is important. Each moment gives me a chance to choose how to think, how to respond to my experience. I am grateful for what is, I am trying my best to find the meaning, the growth potential, to better myself and maybe by sharing, to help you. To simply make this "not for not". That is what being human gives me. No circumstance can take that away. That is why, why for it all.