Clean Teeth, No Cavities, No Melanoma

Today, I woke up reassured that I have clean teeth, no cavities and no melanoma. I am intact with my self defined mother indispensability, except for my knee (I will learn more about that from the orthopedist next week). Isn't this how a mother feels? No one can do her job like she can, nothing can happen to the mother, she has to be there, she has to care for her children, and damn it nothing better get in my way. But the mind is so powerful and can scare you in strange ways making up stories that you are sure are true.

I knew my teeth and a little decay could not befall me so I was not worried about the dentist. I do know that sun damaged skin can be nasty. I have always been a sun lover and for many years, a sun worshiper, dumb thing to be. I have had a basal cell carcinoma removed from my face a few years ago and have check ups now and then. Anna said, "Mom, I want you to check that new spot on your face. I don't want you to have cancer. I could not take it. You need to go to the dermatologist." Bossy daughter that she is at times, is wise. So I agreed, and the appointment was made.

Meanwhile the possible specter of skin cancer loomed in the back of my mind. Has this ever happened to you? This happened another time with me about an imagined lump in my breast that I was sure I would die of. I could see all my friends coming with casseroles to help my family while I lay, helpless. Terrible thought form for sure. And here I did it again. A spot on the back of my right shin shouted at me, "You have melanoma, you have melanoma, you have melanoma. You are going to ruin your family, You are going to break their hearts. You are not going to fulfill your motherhood promises." I could barely look at it. When I did look I saw the jagged edge, the irregular color, the growth and changes day to day, the raised look. I googled it. Yes indeed, melanoma is found in women over 50 on the back of their legs. See, I am right, I am going to die of this thing.

This was going on for the last few weeks in my mind, behind the scenes. I kept it behind the scenes because this is a place where I am skilled at being dishonest. If there is perhaps something wrong with me I will not tell my family. Everyone already has too much to handle. I am afraid of being the straw that breaks the camel's back. So, I will bear the burden myself in silence. I will not sleep and get up in the night with twisted insides. I will look in the mirror and cry, sure that disaster is coming. Tell someone before I am sure that my imagination is not just my imagination? Never. I would not dare tell. I save it up. Needless to say, yesterday took forever to come. When I parked the car for the appointment an advertisement on the radio announced a research study for a new treatment for melanoma. I listened very carefully. My heart stopped. See, what timing, I know that is what I have and now I have been given a divine gift of a treatment to save my life. I went to my appointment prepared how I would be scheduled for a stat mole removal today but at least Anna's appointments were done. We finished the crucial evaluation. I had to be there. Melanoma had to wait. Maybe the angels would have pity on me because I was so self- sacrificing and not reach out their hand to pull me through the clouds.

Oh my gosh, what a silly woman and what an imagination. The spot is nothing. A spot on my face from years ago may be another basal cell so I had it biopsied but thankfully that will not kill me or maim me. Big, big sigh of relief. And now I can tell the story of the silly mother who believes that she is indispensable but afraid that something will get in her way. Does this make me a drama queen? Well I guess so, but at least it is a drama playing just in my own mind and driving me crazy rather than everyone else too. Hope I can survive this life with such an imagination, guess I should write better scripts when I get scared. Maybe if I was more honest from the beginning my fear might go away rather than build and build and build to such an extent. Guess that is the lesson. It is that, sometimes it is better to have secrets, thing. I should never believe in that. So there, another dark place in the corner revealed.

So, on my way home to what is really something to worry about, I bought a little cake, a carrot cake. It is an early birthday present for Anna. Next week is her birthday. She does so want to be listed for her birthday but this is a present I can not give her. This is the first time there has been a birthday wish that Doug and I can not get for her. Maybe the system will work so that it happens on Tuesday. But, I did tell her that I hope all the ducks will be in the row by next Thursday for her listing. That moment will be a real relief and finally the beginning of the real waiting. So, any other crazy thoughts before then that I may have, any other crazy fears casting their shadows must be illuminated and eliminated. We will do our best to meet this upcoming event with all our plans in place, focused, and ready to go.

Note: My heart goes out to the others reading this blog who really did have a lump and a bad patch of skin. This was not imaginary for you. I am lucky to be well. I count my blessings. May you be well. May life treat you with goodness. May you be surrounded by the love and care of family and friends.