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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Difficult Time

Day 8 post transplant....

We had a hard night last night but things are better now. More details later. Transplant is rough and tumble sometimes. Please keep sending good healing vibes to Anna. She is on a journey and it will lead to an amazing new life but this is hard now. She will have quite a story to tell. I will write more tomorrow. Hope all is well with all of her loyal and loving Banana Bunch. You mean so much to all of us.

Monday, November 29, 2010

One Week Ago

Neighbor Notification In A Small Town

Day 7 post transplant just beginning............


It is early and I am just checking in before beginning the day. It will be a long one for me. Tonight is my turn to spend the night with Anna. Hope she was able to sleep last night. Casey stayed with her. Each day has had its own flavor with its own triumphs and difficulties. I do look forward to getting through this week and our complications.

Wanted to post this photo. Peggy of Murphys sent it to me. This was her promise to let the neighbors know who live up the road from us that Anna had her transplant by hanging baloons. It is just so sweet and how you communicate in a small town. Just love Murphys..............

And one week ago she was in the OR.................



Walking to the OR one week ago......

Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's A Wrap On Day Six

Day 6 post transplant..........

What a day this was. It was all about being present for Anna and helping her to connect to what was real. A strange trip to be sure but one she will get through soon.

Linda was with us for the afternoon and that was so great for Anna. It helped to ground her. Meanwhile through all the craziness and confusion she knew a "hot" man when she saw one. Anna eagerly sought to fix up Linda with a very cute nurse. It was a bit embarrassing for him but also quite funny as Anna can usually be.

The highlight of the day was that she had the urge to pee and she did two times! We were so encouraged. That made our day. We will see in the morning if that did anything in the eyes of the docs. She is scheduled for dialysis tomorrow so we will see. Any way, sure feels we are headed in the right direction. She also went for three walks around the unit and ate more solids. So great! It is definitely like a rebirth with all the vulnerability and promise that it would be.

She Ain't No Wimp

Day 6 post transplant......

Last night things became a little more difficult for Anna with her reactions to the drugs. She talked a lot pre transplant about how she would tolerate the mega high doses of pred. She knew it can make some very mentally unstable. It is hard for her to truly know what is and is not reality sometimes. She has to rely on us to help her calibrate. Her hallucinations include people being different colors, usually purple, and wondering what is going on around her. It is part of this very immense and intense surgery. Again, no one is too worried about it. It is just part of what happens. So, we go with the flow.

Sara spent the night here last night as we do not want her to be alone with her mental confusion. There was not a lot of sleeping happening. Her sister is a hero and is taking the day off today. We will take turns as it goes..............

This morning she ate a good breakfast, cream of wheat and yogurt. We went for a walk in the unit and I was able to wash her hair. Finally there are some quiet moments and she is sleeping soundly. A relief as it is so hard to find any peace for sleeping in a hospital. She will have dialysis again tomorrow as her kidneys are not out of the woods yet. Her lungs are beautiful. So, each day is a step forward into a new life. She will make it as she has what it takes. Anna Modlin ain't no wimp. I can tell you that much............

Saturday, November 27, 2010

An Early Morning Phone Call......


Day 5 post transplant..........

I have always been an early person. I am the first in the evening to say, "I am sleepy", or to crash on the sofa. Because of that I am also the first one to be up. I seem to resonate most with the predawn hours. When I am in my creative mode this is the time that i find my inspirations and my burst of energy to get to work. It is a biological clock that would be best found useful on a working farm when you are up with the rooster.

So, this early morn I am up and reflecting on what just happened. So big, so hard to get your mind around it all. From the experience of end stage disease that turns out to be a hopeful event, to waiting for a call to have a new life, to depending on the generosity of someone you do not know in their hour of greatest grief, to watching the miracle happen as the trach tube is removed and new lungs are used for the first time and to see my sweet daughter's tears of awe as she says to me, "I just can not believe it Momma. I got new lungs. I got good new lungs." What an incredible experience this life has offered us.

Yesterday I realized something else. Doug and I were nearly the same age as Anna is now when she was a baby of 18 months old and attached to a vent and tubing in the pediatric ICU at Stanford. At that time when Anna was diagnosed we had no idea how long she would survive. It was a severe entry into the CF world with her spending 5 1/2 weeks on a vent in ICU. That is how we began and learned about living with this disease. It has been nearly the exact same amount of years to this day that our CF journey has changed dramatically. At that first juncture we were about 29 and now we are 58. That represents two distinct chunks of our lives, the same length of time, in a way like chapters. The first 29 years were pre CF, the second 29 years CF and now we are post transplant and in the third phase of this life in relation to this disease. So interesting to note. The phone is ringing...................

It is almost 6AM and Anna called and needs me. Off to the hospital.

It is tough to go through this alone. Anna needs help and someone to talk with. I am here in my usual place by her bed side being her mom. The morning has gone well. She is about to have more dialysis but they are still positive about everything. Just keep helping with the healthy kidney vibes............. please.

Anna went for her first walk! She also had her first fitting for her new wonderful mask that she will be using for a while. She did really well around the nurse's station and up the hallway. Anna's legs are very strong helping her get up and down from her sitting position. She can not use her arms in any way. She is also now approved for regular food and had a graham cracker. So, we are moving forward.............







Friday, November 26, 2010

Still Improving again........

Day 4 post transplant.........

We are very encouraged about how it is going. Anna is still goofy from the drugs and sees blue tape on people's faces, green spoons on the floor and little birds flying but at least she knows it is druggy entertainment. Even so, the lungs are fabulous and her blood values for her kidneys have improved "far more than expected". Yayyyy, must be the extra help you are offering. It will be day to day deciding if there is more dialysis. Maybe she is turning the corner now. We are hopeful and feel it has been a very good day.

Being a holiday it is hard to get things going inside the hospital. Still waiting for the room. It is just not clean yet. Soon she will be moving. The dressing of her incision is removed and she has a beautiful scabbed scar. Each day, more healing with your help...............

The Triplets


Anna, Ana, Isa
Triplet Double Lung Transplant Recipients

Doing good, loving her friends, such amazing miracles for these three wonderful women.

Hopefully Last Day In ICU

Day 4 post transplant....

Update, Anna is far more alert today. Yesterday she was really out of it in the afternoon and evening. Today we arrived with her sitting up in her chair and she had eaten some breakfast. She was far more aware but still exhausted. She is suffering from the effects of the super, super high dose of prednisone. It can make patients insane. Anna thought she would be greatly effected by it. She has had numerous hallucinations and seems drunk with kind of slurred speach and dropping things. She says that she is out of it. Taking to the Dr. they believe that this is due to the pred so we are watching her.

I reminded Anna that she told me how the scenario would go, "I will have a rough time in the beginning but once I get over the hump all will go smoothly." She repeated this to me many times while we were in the waiting game. She acknowledged that was right. She did not know the details and did not expect the kidney issues but we will go with her idea that it will all resolve and we will move forward. Keep sending the positive vibes and pee, pee, pee.

The big change today should be that she will move out of ICU. We are waiting for a bed.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

TG Evening Post

The Anna Banana Bunch Of Turkeys

Anna is starting dialysis. They waited as long as they felt possible to see if her kidneys would kick in. So, this will help out her system. Again, they believe she will be fine in a few days and her kidneys will recover. They had a big hit with loss of blood and low blood pressure during the surgery. So, keep up the energy flow........ she still needs it.

We skyped with my family in Aptos. We miss them. Then, we went downstairs for dinner. Yummmmm well, almost yummmmm. I wanted TG dinner in the cafeteria. I told Dr. Sista so last week in clinic. I got my wish. I decided that once was enough. Now we have had Christmas morning, Thanksgiving dinner, Mother's Day and many, many regular days at the great Stanford Hospital in our rotation.

We send gratitude to our donor family..................


Yummmmmmm?

It will feel good to get through this period and on to the fun part of breathing...........



A Thankful Dad

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!


An Anna Banana Buncher In The Hospital Too.......

Day 3 post transplant....

OK, so, we are still concerned about Anna's kidneys so think flushing water taking all impurities out of her healthy kidneys......... she will get better, let us help it along with our positive visualizations...............

Saw the ICU Dr. She said she never hears such clear lungs so soon after transplant. The lungs are fantastic. She is on room air, has pink cheeks and now has to work on inflating the new lungs with slow deep breaths every 10 minutes. This is really kind of impossible because to keep to a schedule like that is well, so many interruptions in ICU that you can only do the best you can.

I feel so much better. Some alone time, no talking, resting, sleeping, restoring was all I needed. I am now in Anna Stenzle's room writing this blog post. She has her tummy issues happening. Thanksgiving at the Stanford Inn for her too.

We have been offered TG dinner to be brought to us and we are grateful but need to keep it all so simple. We are actually looking forward to turkey in the cafeteria. We will miss our family who will be together today and all the fabulous food. We are a family of excellent cooks but simple turkey and mash potatoes with this little family of ours here near Anna will be an incredible Thanksgiving for us.

I cry for our donor family who will be having a sad Thanksgiving and I hope that their knowing that they saved lives by their generosity will give them some comfort. Peace to all of you and may you one day understand what a blessing this Thanksgiving is for us. We will never forget the amazing gift our dearest Anna has been given.

Please send healing around the world to everyone who is suffering today. May they know love.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Anna Needs Your Prayers........

OK Anna Banana Bunchers............ Anna's Dad just told me to rally the troupes. Anna's kidneys need extra support to heal from the onslaught of the surgery. If you can clear your mind and focus on healing energy please send it to Anna and her kidneys. Let us see if we can keep them from having to do dialysis. Lets heal those kidneys with our prayers and thoughts of healing.........

Ready, set, go..........................

A Quiet Day........


Yummy breakfast for Anna today.......... all finished!

Day 2 post transplant.....

Exhausted today.............. I must retreat to restore. Came home at about 3PM. Feet up on my darling Anna's sofa, glass of wine, TV on.............. Anna is sleeping and resting today so I decided so am I.

Thanks to dear, dear Peggy for being such a good friend bringing us dinner last night and bagels today............ you are wonderful.

We want to be sure people know that we can not accept any flowers or plants. Being immune suppressed means restrictions on such things. If some of you are feeling the need to offer a gift, a card to Anna would be loved, and if you wish to make a donation in Anna's honor........

United Network for Organ Sharing
www.unos.org
Donate Life, California
www.donatelifecalifornia.org
Cystic Fibrosis Research Inc
www.cfri.org
Power of Two Movie
www.thepoweroftwomovie.com

And...... are you signed up to be a donor? why not?

Thanks again for all of your support...............

Update

Day 2 post transplant.....

Anna had jello, broth, apple juice and ice chips for breakfast. She was very happy to eat. She was also sitting up in a chair. She was very drugged up and needed to sleep so we are letting her rest.

One of her complications is that there is concern about her kidneys. She had very low blood pressure during the surgery so they think that this stressed her kidneys. We have been told that they may get worse before they get better but they do believe they will heal. Her blood values are being looked at closely before making a decision about dialysis. Her strength and the continued progression in her healing makes us confident that she will heal from this too. She will be in ICU for a few more days until she is no longer on certain drugs that need to be monitored there.

More as we learn more............

Waiting for Visiting Hours To Begin


My Favorite Moment....




Visiting Hours begin at 10AM. Just thought I would post photos from yesterday if you have not already seen them................

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Another Milestone


Another Photo From Camp Anna On The Big Night

Another milestone............... sat up in bed................ then stood on her own two feet 29 hours post transplant................. eating ice chips .................. happy with her progress ...............

Still Improving........

Camp Anna

Still day 1 post transplant.....


This afternoon Anna has continued to improve. We have spent a lot of time with her. She has expressed her love for all of us and in visiting with the surgeon she called him her hero. When she sees Dr. Weill she smiles and gives a definite thumbs up. She has her definite sense of humor and her deep concern for doing the right thing and being perfect in her recovery. She told us she was ready to go and go home. It is not time yet but she says is ready to walk and kick butt even more. Thanks for all of your prayers, good thoughts and support. We have felt it so much. This is the miracle that I had on order and "soon" means November 22. And as for November 23........... more than one person has expressed that it was on this day that she was reborn as she took her first breath with her new lungs.


As a mother and Doug as a father we have had the unreal opportunity to have a child with a lethal disease that came to the end of that journey and while in the same body has been blessed with a new life and a new journey. Unbelievable! We are so fortunate! We are so looking forward to this new time of living life at its fullest................with Anna!








She Is Breathing................

At eleven thirty this morning Anna took her first breath with her new lungs.............. tube its out!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sara and I got to be there! She is confused and it is amazing..............

It's Anna Banana For Sure!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sara and I just went in to see Anna. She is waking up. Not long until they will take out the tube. She was trying to communicate with us. We gave her a pencil again and she start to write a "W" then some other letters.... Sara said, "White????? Are you white?......... then we said, OOHHHH white board! And with that she threw the pencil at me!!!!!!! Anna is back! We forgot that she had a plan for us to have a white board for her........... she looked up at me with a disgusted look of I failed as a mother............. we all laughed so hard...................... Casey will be here soon with the white board. Things are going well.........

Dr Wiell stopped by and is please with how things are going and said that we may be surprised with how fast they get her out of here. Look out world a new Anna Banana with the power to breath will be hitting the streets soon..........

Our Favorite Thing, NEW LUNGS FOR ANNA!

Day 1 post transplant! Hoooorrraaayyyy!

Talk about exhausted............. Slept at the apartment last night. Doug could not sleep and had to be with Anna all night. So glad he was here so that I could let go into rest. He is now trying to catch up with some sleep. Sara and I are now in the NICU waiting room at our post. Saw Anna and she was trying very hard to communicate. She wanted to write a message to us. So frustrating for her and for us to watch her struggle to tell us something. We had to tell her to be patient. The nurses are fabulous and all is going OK. She has a fever that we are not going to worry about right now. She is oxygenating well and they are planning to take the tube out this afternoon. Then we can begin to communicate. Most important is she did it! It will be rough for the next few days but she will get through this with the incredible care she is receiving.

So what does this feel like? What does it really feel like through the numbing tiredness and layer of worry? It feels like someone on Oprah's Favorite Things Show! I know you may think this silly. And it is, but I saw that show on Friday and Casey taped it for Anna yesterday and we watched it to wind down last night. All I could imagine was......

Oprah on stage saying, "So, do you have CF? Do you cough and cough, do multiple treatments a day, are you tied to an O2 cannula? Well, here is one of my most favorite things!!!!!!! NEW LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then of course the audience goes wild, I mean WILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Monday, November 22, 2010

Said, "You Kicked Butt!!!!!!!!!"

Just saw Anna in ICU. She is not awake yet. Still waiting to see that she does not have too much bleeding. They will see about waking her up soon and taking tube out in the next couple of hours. Her Dad told her she kicked butt...............

Out Of Surgery!

Just heard. Anna is doing well. Good new lungs. In about an hour we get to see her if all goes well.
Halllleeeeeuuuuuhhhhaaaa! (or how ever you spell it!) Anna has new lungs. Sing it on the roof tops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for all your kind support.....................

It Is Happening, New Lungs Have Arrived!

Day 119 and Anna is receiving new lungs............

Anna was wheeled into the OR at 4:30AM. We got to the hospital at 11:30PM. Anna had her entourage, Ana, Isa, Mom, Dad, Aunt Sue, Sara, Lou, Casey and Linda. The evening went by very fast with story telling, and oh my gosh I can not believe it is really here. Anna entertained us with her humor and strength.



What we know is the donor is a youngish woman with healthy lungs that were a perfect match. From the beginning it was felt that this was a go and good for Anna. Someone's family allowed this donor to offer a new life to Anna and we are sure others as well. Let us take a breath and be grateful to them and know that their Thanksgiving will be different from ours. May their grief be comforted with love and family.

The surgery will take about 6-8 hours. We are camped in the NICU waiting room. I am so glad that my sister is here with us. The signs...........the full moon, a beautiful number 11-22 and my sister arriving today from Oregon with her family for Thanksgiving. I always wanted her to be here when this happened. It is so amazing that she is here. In fact it was such a warm and upbeat evening with everyone who was with us. We are so blessed by these loving people.

I will post as I find things out. Sara is taking over Anna's blog for the next few days...........

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Call Again......

We are on the way to the hospital...... will post when we know it is a go.......... 10:00PM

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Not Inspired

Oh Flicker on the roof top
remind me to look up!

Day 115...........


It has been difficult to get inspired to write. It feels as though the air has gone out of the balloon. It is a deflated feeling after being so high and optimistic for so long. The dry run had a lasting effect that we all have talked about. This week is about, this is hard.

Anna was at the clinic today. We discussed elements of the dry run with her doctor. Our questions were answered. We were told that it was a good thing that it happened. It means that Anna is right there in position for lungs to come. Sometimes this happens. Next time we will enter the experience with more caution. The transplant can be canceled up to the last moment even while the recipient is on the surgical table. It is not a go until it is. We were also told that our experience that it seems to be taking longer than we expected is not unusual. Because it has been such a slow year, newly listed patients are now being told to be prepared that it may take 6 months to a year before a match is made. There are still the exceptions like our friend Steve for whom it took only two weeks. Even so, Anna was told again that it will be soon. But who knows for sure? And what does soon mean?

I want to be inspired to write something interesting but the truth is at this time I am just plain old tired. I am tired of it all. It is wearing on me, the soul and spirit..........and we move forward with what is true today. That is all we can ask of ourselves right now. The mission of this journal was to chronicle what this experience is like and to be as truthful as I could be so this is it. Not much to say today, life feels flat.

My mother used writing to help her express the unexpressible and found times when the words stopped. She wrote poems about this and about the joy of words appearing on a page......

Oh the gift of words that can pour forth from the depths - That can tell what you cannot say - Beloved words - on a page - A story of your inner thoughts - Words to tell of your wounds - your hope - your changes - your mastery - for all the moments you spend in turmoil and in fear - -Words- Don't leave the source from which you have come - I will find beautiful words to go with the songs I will sing - Beautiful words spin out - Weave pictures of love and hope - And all the moments you wish to come to be your own - Come to a sweetness that is honey to the taste - beauty to the eye - Beloved words - Running, tumbling - From the very reason I am here - Is this all - All I can say to make a rosary of each day.

Elayne....

Monday, November 15, 2010

Moving On

A photo of Anna 1 1/2 years ago at Stanford Hospital
notice, no O2 cannula

Day 112 awaiting the call for Anna's double lung transplant.....

It is the end of the day on Monday, another week. Next week is Thanksgiving..... can not believe it. The dry run had a bigger impact on all of us than we realized at first. Doug and I were absolutely spent over the weekend. We rested. I stayed in bed Sunday morning until after noon. I have not done that since being a teenager. I almost ordered popcorn to watch TV in bed for the afternoon but the sun was shining and I needed to get out in the beautiful air. After a walk, I slept some more.

Feeling better today. We are picking it up and moving forward. Anna stays strong with her eye on the prize. Who knows when the next call will come or whether it will be another dry run? I think we will all reserve some of our high energy until we get the final go ahead.

Tomorrow is another pulmonary function test and 6 minute walk test to check on Anna's O2 sats. Then, Thursday is another pre-transplant appointment. Again, we never thought she would get to this appointment. We thought lungs would have appeared by now. We were told by the transplant fellow in the hospital on Friday that an offer comes in for Anna about every 4 days but the main issue has been size. They are looking for the perfect match. Again Anna reminded me today that is why she got on the list when she did. She wanted to be strong enough to be able to wait for the perfect lungs for her. If she had been very ill when these last lungs were offered they may have had to take them to save her life. She does not want to be in that situation, ever.

I never liked roller coasters. It is the great heights that scare me the most, or it is the fast speed on a rickety track............ they always scared me and I was never very attracted to them. Friday was like a roller coaster but the amount of emotional energy spent on the ride up and quickly down was far more than I ever anticipated. Now I guess a roller coaster at a park doesn't seem such a big deal after all........ I guess I could survive it just fine. I wonder though, how many transplant dry runs it would take to totally wear me out..........We all have to be very careful to conserve our energy to make it on this journey... It is indeed a wild ride.


These are our trusty liquid O2 friends that are now a part of the furniture in Anna's living room. A lot has changed in the past 1 1/2 years.........
Can not wait until we can rearrange the furniture and get rid of these.........

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Dad, Thirteen Years Ago

Day number 111 still waiting for those perfect lungs.......

Sunday, what a beautiful day today. I am still recovering from the dry run we experienced. Resting, enjoying the couch, a little walk in the vineyard, magazines.........

Yesterday was November 13. That was the day my father died thirteen years ago. Again it is those numbers, 11-13, 13 years ago. I thought about Dad a lot this weekend. For lunch Doug and I had a salad, baguette, cheese and salami. It made me think of Dad. When we lived on Lindenbrook in Woodside the horses lived with us. In the summer, on the weekend, Dad and I would work around the barn, go for a ride and spend some time together. I remember some of those hot summer days when it was lunch time. Dad and I would go to the kitchen and slice up the sour dough with chunks of jack cheese and salami. He loved that lunch.

Bill Dougherty was a very special man and a great father. Dad grew up on a farm in Oklahoma. There were 6 children in all and numerous cousins in the area. Dad told me of when he would go to visit some of his cousins. One household had 12 children. At night time they would take out their bed rolls and sleep where ever they could find an open space. But, he told me that family of 12 all grew up to be doctors, teachers, nurses, all successful and educated. They met huge challenges living in the Depression in the dust bowl. Wow, a different existence.

Two of my father's siblings died of typhoid. Bart and Dolan died very quickly and it was devastating to his mother. Bill was the eldest and survived this scourge. Later Don, Beth and Max were born. Dad went to college and graduated with a teaching credential. It was World War II and even though he had never seen the ocean before, Dad joined the Navy. While stationed in San Francisco Bill met Elayne, it was a fast and deep love. They were married within three months and they both left to be stationed on the east coast until he was sent to the South Pacific.



Bill, Don, Beth and Max Dougherty

Bill was so fortunate to survive the battles in the fight against Japan. He saw a lot of suffering and experienced the horrors of war. These things he never forgot and he became an advocate for peace in the world. Dad was interested in politics with Mom. They were very much against the Vietnam War and we marched as a family in peace marches through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. Later, Dad was able to spend time as an artist. His sculptures still grace the homes of his children. I have a few pieces that are my special treasures.

It is important to honor these anniversaries where we loose someone. His spirit left because his body was dying of lung cancer. Dad lived a very honorable death. When it was time he slipped away quietly without anyone near. That is the way he would want it. He was a private man and he never wanted to cause us any sorrow, especially his wife. He was in the hospital and that night Mom felt that she had to go back again to see him and tuck him in. When she entered the room he said, "What are you doing here, Elayne? You should be home." She spent a little time with him, kissed him and went home. Just a few hours later without warning he put his head on his arm leaning over the side of the bed on the side table and slipped away. Mom must have known it was time.

I am so grateful to have had such a wonderful dad who loved me so much, and listened to my girlhood demands for a horse. I was obsessed by horses and having one. Dad made sure my dream came true. The years I spent with Missy, and later, my filly Nemara were amazing and a gift from Dad that made such a difference in my life. Here's to you Dad. I miss you, especially your 6'2" warm hugs, wise words, great friendship and loving smile.

As I am writing this our neighborhood is commemorating a neighbor who died shortly after moving here with his family. This lovely neighborhood we now live in met outside to dedicate a plaque in is honor so that no one would forget him. He was a father and husband. His wife and children were there. He left too soon for them.......... so wonderful to live in a caring neighborhood such as this.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

She's Got Attitude..........

Back to waiting, day number 110...........

First, thank you, thank you for the numerous emails and well wishes. One of the hardest parts of this dry run, as they call it, was that we took so many others on the journey of dead end with us. It was a definite UP then down. Well, that is the transplant experience 10% of the time. So now you are in tune with what it is like. Life is happening every moment, and it is intense! Now we can say that we are having the full experience, waiting, dry runs, and next.... the real call.

Must say that Anna has attitude. She had a feeling that this might not pan out to be the real deal. She was hopeful but the way the surgeon talked on the phone at 1 AM left her thinking that this was not sewn up. There were still questions so, she was not too surprised and we all were relieved that imperfect lungs would not be placed in her. So, we resumed our day. I slept, deeply.

Thank you again and again for your willingness to go on this ride with us. And, as for my magic numerology, we will see what I can dream up next!

Yesterday, Stanford Admitting

Friday, November 12, 2010

DRY RUN...................

We are at Stanford, Anna is dressed in her pretty gown........monitors on......... the lungs are not good enough! False Alarm.............. time to go home.......... we are grateful they do not take anything but great lungs for her............. we will wait again.......... thanks for all the good wishes.

Our life is pure............ drama..............

THE CALL

Today is the 109th day since we began waiting..........

1AM the phone rang. Doug answered, Anna got the call. The surgeon said for her to be at the hospital at 8AM. I am numb. It is shocking. Here it is. It is now 1:57AM. We can not sleep. How do you sleep? Peppermint tea is comforting, Roxy just brought me a dog toy......life is normal, but now we have THE CALL!

I must say though, there is still a chance for this to be a false alarm. The surgeon said that they still had to make some more tests on the lungs to be perfectly sure. If it is a go the surgery will be in the afternoon. The other amazing thing is the donor is at Stanford Hospital. This is absolutely the best for Anna if it is the right lungs. That means less time for the lungs to be out of the body. It is so much better this way for her.

What happened? Anna was fed up this week, she was done waiting. It was getting hard. We went for a walk yesterday but it wore her out so much. She had to stop and rest on a fire hydrant. This seemed so normal to me. How can it be that it is normal for my young woman daughter to need to stop after a block of walking while on O2........... this is not normal. This is a young woman with very sick lungs who has the courage of a lion, the greatest determination and strong will you will ever meet, and who is going to kick butt in this surgery and recovery. Look out world......... here comes Anna................ (we hope, keep your fingers crossed) I will post as soon as I can if the surgery is a go...............

P.S. the numerology of this............. remember we were so focused on October 23? Yesterday Isa said she had a feeling it would be on November 23......... there is was again, the 23! Well, today is 11-12 and 11+12=23! It never fails........... just got to wait for it to show you how!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Waiting

Day 107 awaiting the call for Anna's double lung transplant......

What is waiting?

Wanting: In order to feel as though you are waiting you must be wanting something, either time to pass or something to come your way. There is definitely a wanting when you are waiting for transplant.

Accepting: When you are waiting for something that you have no control over you must be able to accept or you will go crazy.

Introspection: The process of waiting can be interesting. It is an opportunity to look at your mind and see how you react to not having any control over getting what you want.

Trial: Waiting and waiting and waiting for something that you want that is critical to being able to live your life eventually becomes a difficult trial.

Insecurity: Having no control and realizing that your mind's games grasping for ways to make it happen can make you feel very insecure. Hopefully the insecurity is let go of and faith in the process takes over.

Nurturing: The best way to pass the time of waiting is to nurture the positive.

Growing: As with all of life's experiences waiting is a fertile field for personal growth.

Yes, we are in waiting. And yes, we believe that Anna is the best prepared most ready to go pre-transplant recipient you will ever find. Every box is checked, all immunizations are done, infection under control, belly healthy, weight stable, attitude fantastic, support system intact, bags packed, multi-faithed blessings received, average wait time passed, car gassed up..... hey universe what more can you want? Oh, I hear you, you want us to wait more. Guess we have more growing to do.

And even more important, our donor's destiny........... in it's own time......... may there be peace, love and acceptance. May the hurt ones be consoled, may the hearts be comforted .........may the grace of generosity help to heal the broken............ together we will be looking for rainbows in the sky..........

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Virginia, Faith, And A Cookbook............


Day 106! awaiting the call for Anna's double lung transplant.......

I guess we are in need of distractions. The feeling that this waiting is getting long is definitely a shared one. So, today we went on an adventure of sorts.

Over the weekend Anna and Casey straightened up the garage. While there Anna noticed some books that she had received as gifts from a dear friend of mine. Virginia was a member of my long time woman's group. She was the elder member whose time came a few years ago when she had to let go of many possessions, sell her home and move into a senior living apartment. In the process many friends received books, kitchen items, garden pots, and unusual treasures as keepsakes from Virginia.


I offered a lot of time to Virginia to help her prepare her home for sale, move and be a caregiver of sorts. She was a strong minded, independent, well read, liberal thinking, nature loving fabulous woman who also loved the teachings of the Buddha. In many ways she was a character who was a role model of how to get old with honesty, generosity and courage. Like my mother, her arthritis limited her and robbed her of much of her independence. But even so, she was a whipper snapper and kept everyone on their toes.

While cleaning out Virginia's things she said to me one day, "go into the garage and get that thing, that pitcher, in a brown paper bag. That is for you." I walked into her charming unattached barn like garage and found a bag with the top rolled over to seal in its contents. Inside was an old pitcher blackened with tarnish. Virginia had bought this at the San Jose flea market years before. She was a collector with an eye for quality and value. This was a lot like my mother. The black silver pitcher was a Tiffany no less. She bought it for only a few dollars knowing it was some kind of treasure and she wanted me to have it for helping her. As it turned out after cleaning it up and researching on the internet I discovered it was worth a few thousands of dollars. Wow, how fun and how generous of her.


I love Antique Roadshow! For a few years I never missed an episode. The idea of people finding antique treasures at garage sales, in attics and just around the house was so intriguing to me. I loved to hear the stories that went along with appraised items. After a huge cleaning out of Virginia's house and garage those of us in the woman's group chose items as keepsakes. What was left sat on the front porch to be boxed up and sent to the Goodwill. As I did so I noticed a ceramic pot with a mark on the bottom that seemed old and because of my interest in antiques decided to take it home. The next evening, Antiques Roadshow was on. I remember sitting on my comfy sofa ready to take in the stories. Near me sat that little blue pot with pink flowers ringing the top. It wasn't a beauty of a piece but intriguing. I decided to look up the makers mark on the bottom while I watched the show. When I discovered the identity of the mark my heart started to beat a little faster, could it be? Could it be that I have a find? That little 5 inch pot was made by an artist, Sadie Irvine from Newcomb Pottery of New Orleans and worth at least $2,000! Woooo Hoooooo! Antique Roadshow was still on the TV and I was having an AR moment in my own living room!

I took the little pot to Virginia the next day. I asked her if she knew anything about it. Her response was, "I just kept posies in it." When I told her of its value she shrugged with a little aloofness that was her signature and reassured me that I had found it and it was now mine. Oh, Virginia, you were so fun. I miss your friendship.


So, to get back to Anna finding a book in her garage that came from Virginia. It was a copy of the Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking sealed in plastic. It looked old and perhaps original, or could it be first edition? Because of my earlier experiences with finding treasures from Virginia and knowing that she was also a book collector and had an eye for finds, this book was highly suspect to be valuable. When I arrived at Anna's yesterday she told me of the book. After treatment and as we were getting ready for the day, the idea that this book might be a hidden small fortune grew into an obsession. Because the book was encased in plastic wrapping and we were afraid to open it and then lessen it's value we were only able to guess about its identity. We did as much internet research as we could before deciding the only thing to do was get it to a rare book dealer to find out more. The big question was, do we dare remove the plastic wrapping? It was going to be the only way to find out if it was indeed an August, 1961 first edition.

We called Bells Books and were told that Faith, the one who would know about this book would return to the store after 3. We were there, book in hand to find Faith......... so funny, we had to chuckle as finding faith is what we have been seeking during this whole transplant experience. Well, Faith was there but we could not see her as someone else was taking up her time. We were asked to come back. So close, yet so far away as they say. We drove home musing over the question, to open or not to open. Since we found books of first editions on the internet without the original plastic to be worth $1,000 we decided even if it did reduce the value it would be OK and anyway with out seeing the inner story of published dates it was not worth anything any way. As we drove into Anna's driveway it was decided, we will open it!



The whole day had been filled with the excitement of a potential treasure and that feeling of magic that we have had from time to time on this adventure. It was fun, exciting and very distracting. Now, Anna had the honors to slit open the top of the plastic and gently roll down the plastic cover. It was revealed, there in her kitchen, Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child, et al was............................ a first edition, but a later printing, it was printed in 1968, not what we hoped it would be, the first printing in August, 1961 so, it may not really be worth anything more than being a great cookbook. Research into value will continue...........


The high energy day was brought back to earth. Darn! Virgina, I thought we found another extra special treasure. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Anna and I were so glad we opened it by ourselves without an audience. It would have been a bit embarrassing with all the story line that we were attaching to this simple book to have shared that moment with a rare book dealer........... so in a way, we are glad we could not find the Faith........ but only for this time. Hopefully the faith and the hope that we really need can always be found and not too busy for us.............

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Fire Was Circled By Friends


A gentle rain is falling, kissing the trees and wetting the ground. It is a comforting sound with a rhythm and beat persistent with purpose. The earth is receiving a drink as it enters the autumn time. Golden leaves on the table, the fence railing, the steps and the walkway herald the season. I love this time of year.

We snuck away again. It is a bit scary to be a few more hours away but we took the chance to be in Murphys. My innerds are filling again with the life here. The afternoon was spent at The Barn painting with 10 other lovely ladies. In the evening we sat around a fire after devouring handmade pizzas cooked in an outside oven. More delicious than I imagined were these individualized flavors baked by a wood fire with a crispy and tasty crust. Pesto, goat chesse, seasoned chicken, kalamata olives, tomatoes, pears, apples, onions and more were the ingredients to build a masterpiece of tastiness. Yummmmmmmmm. Then the fire was circled by friends who howled at the sky, beat sticks like drums, and told stories that revealed tell tale characteristics of their souls. What could be a better time?

It is a short visit but at least we were able to touch in. This is where our tribe resides. We will resume the communing when our task is complete. Anna's lungs have first priority. Perhaps the universe heard our beats and songs into the night that called the spirits to be with us. Perhaps we stirred the pot with our energy of friendship and story telling to awaken the karma that awaits Anna. And, perhaps not. Again, we must let go to this flow, what ever direction it is to take.

It is November, enjoy this time, enjoy the gentle rain, tomorrow resume the sweet time of caring for my darling daughter, follow the path that has been given me. I am grateful for it all. I have so much. Such, great fortune, really it is...........