Not Inspired

Oh Flicker on the roof top
remind me to look up!

Day 115...........

It has been difficult to get inspired to write. It feels as though the air has gone out of the balloon. It is a deflated feeling after being so high and optimistic for so long. The dry run had a lasting effect that we all have talked about. This week is about, this is hard.

Anna was at the clinic today. We discussed elements of the dry run with her doctor. Our questions were answered. We were told that it was a good thing that it happened. It means that Anna is right there in position for lungs to come. Sometimes this happens. Next time we will enter the experience with more caution. The transplant can be canceled up to the last moment even while the recipient is on the surgical table. It is not a go until it is. We were also told that our experience that it seems to be taking longer than we expected is not unusual. Because it has been such a slow year, newly listed patients are now being told to be prepared that it may take 6 months to a year before a match is made. There are still the exceptions like our friend Steve for whom it took only two weeks. Even so, Anna was told again that it will be soon. But who knows for sure? And what does soon mean?

I want to be inspired to write something interesting but the truth is at this time I am just plain old tired. I am tired of it all. It is wearing on me, the soul and spirit..........and we move forward with what is true today. That is all we can ask of ourselves right now. The mission of this journal was to chronicle what this experience is like and to be as truthful as I could be so this is it. Not much to say today, life feels flat.

My mother used writing to help her express the unexpressible and found times when the words stopped. She wrote poems about this and about the joy of words appearing on a page......

Oh the gift of words that can pour forth from the depths - That can tell what you cannot say - Beloved words - on a page - A story of your inner thoughts - Words to tell of your wounds - your hope - your changes - your mastery - for all the moments you spend in turmoil and in fear - -Words- Don't leave the source from which you have come - I will find beautiful words to go with the songs I will sing - Beautiful words spin out - Weave pictures of love and hope - And all the moments you wish to come to be your own - Come to a sweetness that is honey to the taste - beauty to the eye - Beloved words - Running, tumbling - From the very reason I am here - Is this all - All I can say to make a rosary of each day.

Elayne....