So, why am I blogging? Why have I introduced my blog to you? What is this about? Thought I should say something about this since blogging is really a new phenomenon in our culture. My brother commented that it is something good for me, a way that I can let it all spill out. It is, but I think it is more than that.
First, the personal issues and benefits of blogging for me, Robin. Those that know me know that I enjoy being a creative person. I am happiest when there is a project developing, when I have a goal where creative pieces need to be completed. That is when I am the most productive and inspired. Right now I do not have the time and creative space to involve myself in a concrete or mosaic project or other such thing. Writing has been an outlet for me for a few years now. As a vehicle of expression, it has grown particularly in the last year following my mom's passing.
Mom, Elayne, was a writer. She was an amazing poet. I found hundreds of poems tucked away in her apartment after she died. I knew that she wrote, but I did not know how really important her writing was to her. Her poems and the musings about her life as a child and when growing old revealed a depth of emotion, and pain that she never let me know. She tried to shield her wounded heart and periods of depression from all of us but we knew it was all there. She was just not willing to open the door and let us in until after her death. The result of pouring over her poetry, transcribing it into a book and then finding the clues that put the mysterious pieces of her childhood story together was a deep healing for me. I finally understood my mom in a way that I had always wanted to. I needed to know that vulnerable, wounded person she was as well as the wonderful mother who loved me so much. I understand now that this influence contributed to me being shy, emotionally aloof and not fully in touch with my emotional self as a child. On the other hand, I think her secret keeping and my intense wanting to know her is what eventually made me to want to seek deeply into myself and share my inner most.
Thus, in my art and my writing I strive to express my life, my feelings and what is going on inside. Blogging is good for me. I have vulnerable places yet to be touched, not willing to be revealed, seeking my attention and I am learning through creative outlets how to find those places. Writing is an amazing tool working with words, painting a story, a scene, a situation while trying your best to be honest. But honesty in writing is all about perception. My honest bent may not be yours. It is all relative and in writing we get to choose the type of story we wish to tell. Isn't that how we live our life too?
A writer needs an audience. My mom did not create the audience that she deserved while alive. She was a special person with a deep sense of integrity and a heart that cried out for those that suffered. More people should have had access to her writings. A blog establishes an audience. A writer can not fulfill the promise of the writing until there is an audience. Those that blog need someone to hear their words. It is the same as writing a book. Those books that are your favorites are those that have touched you in some way. They have grabbed your heart and you have grown by reading the book. Today's bloggers are trying to do the same thing. Listen to my story, I will be as honest with you as I can. I hope that with my words you are moved, you grow, you understand me and yourself even more.
And so, I have invited you to read the blog. I want you to know that this in itself is a scary thing to do. A blogger, me, is putting it on the line. I am going to reveal what is happening, a very personal and intimate story. Maybe you will judge me. Maybe you will not want to go on this journey with me. Maybe I won't be able to be as honest as I would like. Maybe you don't want to hear about those details. But, those of you that are my family and friends I know are interested in how Anna is doing, and those of you that are new to me and my family are curious. Even though chronic illness, lung disease, cystic fibrosis, and transplant has been normal and usual for us, it has not been for most everyone else. I am assuming that people want to know what this illness is, how it impacts individuals, how even in the midst of its challenge lightness and hope can be found. For those that are also on this journey I hope that we connect and can help each other. I know and understand much of this journey, but I am entering a part of the path that is new and I think, extraordinary.
This is where blogging is not just for me. It is also for you the blog reader. I hope that you feel closer to Anna, our hero and darling daughter. I hope that you learn more about this devastating disease, CF. I hope that you learn more about the miracle of transplant. I hope that you learn more about the complications that go along with it. I hope you value organ donation and sign up to be a donor while encouraging your friends to do the same. I hope that you recognize that honesty and openness is what creates true friendships and lasting relationships. I hope that you decide to be more revealing if you are like my mom who wishes to keep it hidden.
Thank you for reading, for giving me a creative outlet and a way to connect. I am not good on the phone. I am not a long winded person. Maybe that is why blogging is good for me too. So if I can tell the story here and not have to tell it many times on the phone then that really helps me. That being said, please do not stop calling me. I need to hear your voice too. And, thank you again for all of your encouragement and nice comments. I do need my friends and family now more than I ever have. This is painful and hard. That is the honest truth.
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