Waiting, Poolside

Day 24, waiting for the call for Anna's double lung transplant.

Every two weeks is cleaning day and another "Ana" enters our life. Ana Flores has been a part of our lives for many years. She is loving, dedicated, trustworthy and reliable. And she gives us one of the greatest gifts, a clean house. Grammie knew how hard it was for Anna to function, living on her own with all that she had to do to battle CF, so she paid for Ana to come to the rescue with her trusty mop. It has made such a difference for Anna. That tradition continues with a little inheritance left after Grammie passed.

Thanks Grammie, your kindness and love is remembered every day.

So what do we do on cleaning day? This is the third time that we went on vacation by the pool. We get no real summer vacation this year. We are working for Anna to stay alive and waiting for the big event. So to pretend for just an hour or two we go to Diana's Poolside Cafe. Yes, brunch on the deck in the sunshine, watching the glimmering blue waters of a hotel pool, palm trees waving in the breeze. This could be anywhere, the Bahamas, Hawaii, or California. We order something delicious, me being mindful of low calorie with dry toast, and an omelet with no cheese and Anna being ever mindful of her need of high calorie with eggs, bacon, pancakes and maple syrup. The one advantage of living with CF is you need to eat. The calorie needs are at least double what they are for a "normal" person. Anna in her cute 5'3" stature has been known to eat more than the largest man at the table with her Dr.'s orders. Lucky.... Many are the envious.

So, we make sure that we have a little time to play, and do not suffer much everyday. In fact we have not been really mentally suffering since Anna was finally listed 24 days ago, but that seems to be changing a bit. Sitting by the pool we realize that we do talk about the same thing, "so when do think it will happen?" The same question arises a couple of times a day, lately. We go over and over about our "feelings". We talk about it happening soon and wonder what soon means. Each of us has chosen a day that we think the call will come, like it was a game. We also talk about it being "not for a while" and sense that idea may be too unnerving, but it might be the best for us to keep in our minds as we cope with " the waiting." It is again beginning to feel like waiting, thus the creeping in of mental suffering.

In the Power of Two movie filming Marc asked about what it is like to be waiting. At the time, I think, I said, "to be able to wait you must just live. You do not want to regret your time waiting, so you live." And yes that works while you are distracted and involved in living events but when the whirlwind calms down and there are little distractions, the living begins to feel like waiting. Waiting is waiting, lets be honest. To wait means that you know there is something in the future otherwise why would you wait? If there was nothing in the future there would be no need to "wait". So if you wait then you are not living in the moment, you are living for the future. That is indeed a source of suffering. Seeking something that is not here now, wanting something that we do not have, "the call", causes us to be uncomfortable, feeling tight and nervous. But, guess what, "That is what we are doing......." we are waiting. That is the nature of our task. So, is it that the defining existence of"waiting" is that it is inherently infused with tendrils that grab the neck and heart and squeeze for recognition of its real nature? That must be so, otherwise, waiting would be being. Are you following this logic?

So, waiting is what it is, not being here. If we are waiting, then we are not fully enjoying the crystal clear turquoise pool water, the taste of the coffee and sweetness of the syrup. Waiting means that we are focused on that future event. What are we doing if we are not waiting. We are just two curly haired women, one with a plastic tube leading from her little nose to a container of liquid oxygen and one with a gray crutch, matching her gray hair, propped at her side, both enjoying dry toast and dripping maple syrup pancakes. A sorry lot....two gimps by the poolside.

Now, wait a minute, speaking of waiting..... That is all we are? If we are in the moment, that is all that we are, two gimpy women? No, no, no, as I say with a deep nasal French accent, and again, no, no, no. That is not all that we are. We are a daughter and a mother on vacation for a moment to enjoy life during the grueling wait for a double lung transplant. I like the "waiting" part. The waiting part is not just about suffering because it is in the future and not happening now. The waiting part is not just about the repeating conversation about "when". The waiting is the hope.

Without the waiting it would be really so much harder. Without the waiting there would be no possibility of Anna breathing deep or being able to dive into that gorgeous pool and come up for air between breaths. Waiting is not our enemy, it is our gift. We get to wait. We are so lucky.