As I sit here writing, the water fall from my back yard water feature fills the space with bubbling, soothing sounds. Water cleanses, heals wounds, refreshes and gives life. Like air to breathe we need water to drink. And like water to drink we need friends to listen. Today, Wendy listened. When you speak with a friend who gets you, and accepts you, they act like a mirror reflecting what you need to understand, and accept about yourself. That is what happens when Wendy and I are together. We act as mirrors for each other.
In our conversation today I recognized something important about me and this transplant journey that I need to acknowledge. There is something inside of me that is drawn to this type of life challenge. None of us would wish illness and suffering upon our loved ones and that is certainly true for me but I do recognize that there is something remarkable that can happen when faced with a difficult life challenge.
This belief held deeply within me took me off guard many years ago when I was pregnant with Anna. I was at a community swimming pool and watched a mother with her Downs Syndrome child playing in the water. The love they exchanged had a special glimmer, depth and quality that I could immediately see. I coveted that exchange and that relationship and could see that that mother and daughter had something special. The love was so present. I became aware that this was a situation not to be feared but to be honored. That recognition frightened me a little.
When Anna was diagnosed I remembered that moment at the pool. Now I had a special needs child to journey into relationship with. I then understood why I had that experience with Anna in my womb. That memory challenged me and encouraged me to find a depth that transcended the hardships of the disease. I am proud to say my relationship with Anna is quite extraordinary from my mother perspective. We flow together, we fight CF together, we laugh together, we listen to each other, we are such good friends together and we are facing this together with Sara and Doug as a family team.
This CF journey has confirmed to me the importance of facing our challenges with openness and acceptance. If I could give advice to any one it would be to recognize that CF or any other like challenge is tough, is sad, is daunting, but it is also filled with life and meaning. It is up to us to seize the day, to take what we need from the raw material we are given. It is the job of no one else but ourselves to create a life of love and connectedness even though it is tough. It is so worth it. I would never choose the suffering but would never change this life or give back the rewards.
When Anna was little I realized that I had to have a strategy to cope with having a child whose life was threatened. The mystery of what was to come was difficult to accept until I came to a realization. I realized that whether Anna was to die as a young child or she was able to fight the disease and break the odds I would be OK. I would grow and develop and spirit would show its self to me either way. It was the same. I had no real control on the outcome except to do what I needed to do to be a responsible mother. It was not up to me. But no matter what, I would survive and grow and learn. That was what life was about. This sustained me. I no longer had the fear of what would happen if Anna should succumb to CF. I was free to live this life. I lived my story one chapter at a time without knowing the ending. Isn't that a truth for us all to recognize? I think when we see that, when we honor the mystery of the story and commit to our best participation that we are freed with acceptance.
And I do still believe that today. I honor the unseen, the unknown and its mysteries. I am learning more and more in this experience that, as I have acceptance, it unfolds as it should. As I realize my strong belief that basic goodness is found through adversity, challenge and triumph, I know we will come out victorious in what ever the outcome.
If you have big challenges in this life find a way to be present, dive in, explore its many facets and face it head on. Don't fear it. Times of rawness and adversity with all of its mysteries is the baptismal water that offers the greatest rewards for us all.
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