So strange, as I have said, that I would have surgery right now. The experience forces me to look for lessons, gifts and why this happened now, of all times. It is the mystery again, the crows in their black garb cawing and calling me to understand, something, but what?
The moment I woke up from the anesthesia I was amazed that it was already over. I had surgery on my knee! The last thing I remembered was the anesthesiologist wheeling me toward the O.R. after I said my, wish me lucks, to Sara. The Dr. told me, "I am giving you a little something in your IV", and then I guess I was out, boom, no consciousness, deep sleep. Next I knew, I was being woken up.
It was immediate that my mind turned to Anna. Is this how she is going to feel when she wakes after her surgery? Is she going to begin to hear voices saying, "wake up Anna. Time to wake up, Anna." As she comes to consciousness will she first be aware of her breath? Will she try to see what it is like to take a big breath? Will she realize that atleast 8 hours had past with her on life support in the midst of such a huge surgery? I started to cry as I stirred from this deep dream state to wakefulness. I was given the gift of a taste, an intimate sense, of how she would feel, the gift of an insight. I woke up with a fixed knee but she will wake up with the possibility of a new life. I can not imagine the full impact she will feel but for that moment in my awaking I had a sweet taste.
For the last couple of days I have had to learn what it means to be a good patient. That means staying still, leg raised, drinking fluids, feeling vulnerable. To be a good patient you have to let yourself feel vulnerable and be vulnerable. You have to let others who you usually care for, take care of you. That is so hard to do. Will you please get that, and please pick up that, and oh I forgot I need that. Boy, how bossy can you be?
I would say to my dear mother, who became so very vulnerable in her later years, that she was giving me an opportunity to give. She had a hard time accepting that. But, I guess it is like that. We all have to take our turns. Grace is when we realize our position and accept it and do the best we can with it. If we resist when we are vulnerable and don't let others help us we create more problems for everyone. Mom accepted help at times but for the most part she resented her situation and made it difficult to give with joy as I was always deflecting the guilt and the feeling bad that she projected. So, I guess I learned then that it is better to let others help and to "get out of the way" so that they can help with joy. Hmmmm, not sure I really learned that one.
It is really silly to say things like, "I am so sorry to have to ask you." "I am so sorry that you have to do that for me." "I wish you did not have to do that for me." These are things similar to what Mom would say all of the time. I have been saying a lot of that to Doug the past few days. Like my mother, it has been so hard for me to be in this flat on your back, knee raised position. He is cooking for me. Doing the errands for me. And, it really is fantastic, just wish I could shut up the voice that says these stupid self effacing things. When the "One" in charge is no longer, it is hard to let go.
This gift is a teaching to let go and let others help while allowing myself be vulnerable and needy. This is a recurrent theme in my life to learn. Anna is doing this in her circumstance of severe illness, she does it with grace. I will continue to learn from her. Gracefulness is a good goal.
What has also happened in this time is that I chose to undergo this surgery because I saw a window of opportunity and I took it. I trusted that it was the right time and all would work out. It has, it is. In making the decision I had to act fast, no dilly dally, I had to have faith. This has strengthened my sense that there is a pattern, a way this is all to work in its intricate workings, in the creation's intricate wisdom.
gifts of insight, grace and faith..........
I thank nature, wisdom and the crows for calling me to these lessons through the current workings of my life.
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