Day number 22, waiting for the call for Anna's double lung transplant.
Rituals are funny things that we all have. Rituals are habits or ways we get things done and think about things. Think of all the ways that you do your life with conscious ritual from brushing your teeth to praying and being in a church. It seems to be such a human thing to create ritual. I am not sure if animals have rituals. They may have routines, but I think rituals are a little different. Rituals offer comfort and meaning to us. They can be simple or they can be loaded with profound meaning. It all depends on our intention. It is our intention and the meaning that we ascribe to our rituals that make them powerful in our life.
Today Anna and I did a little ritual with Judith's gift of blessing herbs, or our nummy nums. What was important is that we allowed the time we used to be focused. We ceremoniously offered the herbs to ourselves with conscious intention. We verbalized our gratitude and dedication of compassion out loud before placing the incense tasting herb balls on our tongues. As they dissolved we thought about the ending of suffering for many other people. It was a lovely moment. We can all find time and ways to create rituals to accent events in our lives. It is a good and balancing thing to do that reminds us of what truly matters while quieting the mind.
I have always loved some creative, spiritual ritual in my life. I have made up rituals for transitional times and in the context of women's groups as ways to connect to qualities that were needed at the time. I liked ritual so much that at one point I thought that I should be a minister so that would be my job. I became an interfaith chaplain to pursue this vocation. My training was through a small interfaith institute and the Clinical Pastoral Education program at Stanford Hospital and Lucille Packard Children's Hospital.
At the beginning of my year as a chaplain resident, I learned the true essence and power of ritual in a very unique and kind of funny way. Each chaplain resident took turns being on call for the weekends at both of the hospitals. Being on call meant that we went to every hospital death, calls to emergencies or requested visits by patients. I was reassured that during my first weekend, with no prior training, mind you, nothing would happen. All would be quiet. That was the farthest from the truth. It was trial by fire and the ritual queen had to step up.
We were authorized by the catholic priest to offer communion and the sacrament of the sick to patients. On the weekends if this was requested by patients we were to first find an on call priest to come to the bedside to offer the ritual, prayers and comfort. If no one was available to come, then we were to perform the ceremony. And, of course on that first weekend, for me, more than one request for the sacraments was made and no priest could be found. I had no training in this, let me repeat, I had no training for these specific rituals. I had to serve the patients by myself that weekend and figure this out.
I went into the chaplaincy office and found the "book of rituals" on the shelf. I leafed through to find, the holy sacrament of the sick. It could not be too hard to do this, all the prayers were there, I only had to read them. The other tool that I needed was the holy oil which I read, must be applied liberally. "Ok, but where is that oil kept?" I asked myself as I frantically looked high and low. I looked in cabinets and bookshelves and finally found a small jam jar with the holy oil. I encouraged myself, "Ok, Robin, you have done many rituals in your life you can do this." Off I went to the bedside in the step down unit from the ICU with my "how to" prayer book and jam jar of oil.
I introduced myself to the nurse, a woman sitting by the bedside and a very ill man laying in the bed. The nurse left and pulled the curtain to give us some privacy. The woman was a worried sister and told me how her brother was to have heart surgery. They were very frightened. The poor man had little animation. They were life long Catholics and wanted the sacrament in case the patient might die in surgery. This would save his soul. Oh boy, what a responsibility it was to deliver this comfort that I had never before performed.
I opened my prayer book and followed the instructions, reciting the prayers. When it came time to apply the holy oil I took the top off of the jar and slowly poured the oil on the top of his head. The oil dripped down onto his brow, over the top of his head and "liberally" bathed him in holiness. I did not know what in the heck I was doing, but boy was I going to give them a sacrament that would fill them with grace. Tears began to stream down from the eyes of the woman, her head bowed. The man looked relieved. I wiped the excess oil so that it would not run into his eyes, finished the prayers, said my good byes with good wishes, opened the curtain and departed. As I walked down the hall completing my duty as a chaplain all alone in that massive hospital filled with illness, patients suffering and people dieing I could not believe what I had just done. It felt good. The grace was there, it was palpable.
When the new week began I told the stories about the weekend. I shared how I could not find the oil until I found the jam jar. The other residents stared at me, "Jam jar?" they questioned. I was not supposed to use the jam jar. That was a reservoir of extra oil used to moisten the little felt pad in the tiny box that was to be used for the rituals. OMG, how mortifying, I made a salad out of that dear man's head! Those patients really got thier money's worth with my "liberal" application. No little cotton application from me. No one ever had such a sacrament as I delivered. The laughter lasted about all the way through my year as a resident. It "lightened" our load a bit.
What was important in this was yes, to laugh at our self when we are naive but also that the most important element in ritual is intention. It is not how well you follow the instructions but rather, are you able to offer good intention and an open heart. I think I did that and from the reaction of the patient and her sister it was successful. I just wonder if they are still thinking about that silly chaplain and her crazy sacrament or what..... I hope they were comforted. I think they were. I know I was comforted today as Anna and I made up our ritual with the blessing herbs. There were no specific instructions to follow, just what was in our hearts. That is what is important and the most powerful.
As for the vocation of being a minister? Well, I let that one go.....
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