Writing and You Are Helping Me

Day 65, awaiting the call for Anna's double lung transplant.

Keep writing. Keep writing. It fills the space with my living while I am waiting. It fills the space with my writing while I am living. Ho Hummmm, impatience is arising. I know it can be contagious. Maybe I can work it out on the page so that its viral arms do not grab anyone near me into its neurotic hold. It is a time of "let's get on with it already....."

Last night, or rather early this morning and I do believe at this minute, as I write, there is a double lung transplant happening in the OR at Stanford. We do have the inside scoop since Sara's job includes calling the OR multiple times per day asking, "this is the CF Laboratory, are there any lung transplants?" The nurse in the OR will say no or yes. Last night she said, yes. Some lucky someone had the perfect match to end their waiting. Sara is surely up now and at least on her way to Stanford to retrieve the old lungs for the lab. She was so excited. She loves her job. This is a good test for her if she really wants to be a doctor. I think she does more than ever.

As Sara said, this breaks the pattern. For the last few months there have only been two transplants per month. This now makes three for September. Good. Maybe the tide is turning and there will be more done. We are certainly hoping for October for Anna. Early on when we all made our "predictions" Sara was the one to say, October 3. That is coming up. Maybe, maybe. Even though I am getting antsy I still feel all the good thoughts, positive prayers, wonderful support. I just want to get this done. It is the control in me. It is the mom in me. It is the me in me.

Breathe, let go. I have been trying to have a regular practice of body movement when I get up in the morning. If I let myself move as in dance or as in tribal shaking and with calisthenic stretches all combined into one I seem to do better. It loosens things up. I feel stuck sometimes. My body hurts and wants to break out of this holding pattern. It is like I have been in a holding pattern for so many years with this disease. Will the new lungs change this? I wonder. I wonder if I will indeed feel freer. I wonder if the stiffness in the muscles and the pains from down deep will open and release. I am looking forward to see, to experience. Ready to get on with it........

Movement and writing. These are my therapies. I do the first alone and the second with you as a witness. Perhaps one day we will move together in dance and celebration that this is complete and successful. I look forward to that day and will continue to use my trusty computer to help me process and share this amazing experience and the coming to fruition of a miracle on order. Thank you again for traveling with me.

And now, a group project: fill your mind and heart with this image, now pray, contemplate, wish, hope, think positive thoughts, what ever you do................ let's make it happen! Help me with my impatience...........