Recharging The Batteries

Day 41, awaiting the call for Anna's double lung transplant.

How do you recharge your batteries? Everybody needs a way to do this. If you have not yet figured it out then you are not living with balance. We need to be active and engaged, working hard for what we believe in or for the money that we need to live. We also need to find a way to let go and step back to "recharge". This has always been a value of mine.

When Anna was little, mothering was very hard work for me. It was my 9 to 5. Doug had his 9 to 5 which was actually the providing for the family, Silicon Valley grind of 8 to 8 for many, many days of his career. But my 9 to 5 was also close to 24 hours in caring for Anna for many days as well. It was hard work to give treatments everyday, raise a toddler, expect the 2, 3 or 4 year old to be acquiescent with pill taking and treatments and get up every night with a coughing child for many years. I needed recharging. Doug did too, he also was involved in caring for Anna after work, many times doing the evening treatment, but he was so wonderful to give me the chance to get away. He would take over the and care for Anna while I went away. It was special daddy/daughter bonding time. They needed this space without me to connect in ways that was unique for them. I needed change and quiet. I needed to not talk to anyone, to be able to have my own timing as to when I would get up, eat and fill my day with something just for me. Green Gulch was that place. I would go to this Marin county Zen Buddhist Farm and Retreat Center to bathe myself in quietness and picturesque beauty. The food was so wonderful, vegetarian, simple, and scrumptious.

I craved being at Green Gulch when my energies started waning, the grouch meter started to climb and I was just plain old tired. To this day I do not know how mothers with children with special needs or any mother for that matter does not need time away. I know I was not in the company of many others who would seize this time. Even though I would sing the praises of alone time and a few days without the regular routine, I could not convince some that I knew to do it. Perhaps it was because I had such a wonderful husband and the girls had such a wonderful daddy that I was able to do this. I can not imagine surviving those years without these life saving breaks at lease once or twice per year. I also think that the relationship between Doug and the girls grew during those times I was away. It was very important.

Doug and I would get away ourselves every anniversary and for many of those anniversaries we spent glorious March weekends in Carmel. My mom and dad and other babysitters would care for Anna and Sara so that we could get away once per year. It made such a difference in our relationship and in how we could "recharge" our batteries. Six years ago this weekend Doug and I rewarded ourselves and honored this part of our lives with purchasing a small country place in the Sierra foothills. It is a "recharge" center for us and the girls when they can take advantage of it. What a gift Murphys has been for us, marvelous.

We are in Murphys now and it has been 41 days of Anna being on the list. I felt that when she was finally on the list I would not allow myself to be as far away as Murphys from Stanford Hospital. It is actually about 3 hours away. I thought it would make me too anxious. Now that we are getting into the "waiting" and we realize that even though it may be any day now, we suspect it will still be a while, we have to pace ourselves and be realistic. Anna knows how much I love being in Murphys, in our little house in the country. She knows how it recharges me so she gave me permission and I gave myself permission to go for a day. If the call should come we will close up the house, jump in the car and go. We will get there in enough time. There will be hours before the surgery begins. I am feeling OK about this. I am not too nervous. I am so happy to be here, dinner outside, watching the bats and listening to the crickets........