Life Time Reminder

Day 72, awaiting, and awaiting.........

It is October 5, evening. Wow, when I think about it, I spent the entire summer in this mode. I was hold up all summer either in Sunnyvale with Anna or at home in Livermore. That was different than other summers and it went by....... now it is Fall. Anna reminded me that it was such a coincidence that even though I was "locked up" with her all summer, pretty sedentary, it was a summer that I could not have done much any way. Long walks in Murphys and treks up Skunk Ranch Road would not have happened due to my knee surgery. I had to hang low. And now, this week, I got my second set of stitches out of my cheek completing a second period of recovery. I have needed rest and recuperation for months now. So strangely it all makes sense and the time was used most efficiently. I was not able to hike or travel any way.... Guess I should be rather thankful that this all happened in this way. But now that the cheek is healing and the knee is so, so much better I am eager to finally get the exercise I am missing. Early morning walks every day, a spin on the stationary bike and weekend visits to our exercise swim club is to be the new norm, while we are still waiting.

Yesterday I received a kind email from someone who was concerned that Anna and I may have sounded a bit down. He was also concerned that we are counting the days to the transplant and not living more fully each day. I really appreciate this. It is wonderful that there are people who care about what is happening with us. The thing about blogs is that they show a slice of the experience. There is no way someone reading this blog can know all of our story. We are sharing parts, parts that we feel we need to express because it helps us and because we believe they are integral parts of what it is like to wait for lungs, new breath and new life while we live fully each day.

The predominant experience is that, we are indeed waiting, we are counting the days. When the transplant doc looks you in the eye and says, "be ready!" you must be and are in the mode of, any moment now..... I have philosophized about this waiting in numerous ways. I can have days when I am OK with it, days when I am feeling so Zen, and days when it is not OK and I really would like to jump out of this page and into another blog about recovery. So, I and Anna can not be one way about this. The mood changes, the seasons change. Summer has given way to a new change in the air and cloud cover. We are trying to share intimately about all of this the best we can to chronicle what it is like for ourselves and for others who are interested, those that already know this experience and those that may come to this point some time in their own lives.

Anna and I have a very special relationship. One of the things that we share is an intense interest in what it is like to be a person in all of our situations. We are both psychologists with Masters degrees and formal study. We chose this field in college because we were so fascinated with people, behavior, the meaning of life, and what makes us tick. We are very introspective and love to explore our inner workings. We talk a lot about this with each other. Among the many things we have learned is to not take things too seriously so we find ourselves very, very funny at times and enjoy spontaneous outbursts of laughter where ever we are. Once you look hard enough at yourself it becomes difficult to keep it all so serious even in life and death moments and serious illness. The only way to hold our own craziness, neurosis, mistakes, misgivings, wierdnesses and triumphs is with lightness. We have learned this pretty well but it takes a life time to do the work.

Holding it with lightness and being honest about what is arising is key, I think. This is what I am working on in my life. I don't think you can keep it light unless you first release it. Releasing it is being honest about your emotions, your feelings and not holding it in. Holding makes life feel stuck and hard. Releasing uplifts. I have a long way to go with this. I can feel it in my body, the holding, the stuckness, but I am working on it. That is why I like feathers. Whenever I see one I pick it up. The lightness power of the feather allows the bird to lift up and soar. Amazing. This is what we need to do as humans. Lift your head up, feel, let it go, lightness like the feather. This is why my life time reminder is on my ankle............