We All Have To Give Up

It all feels so different. The intensity, the immediacy, what we need to give up and what is really now at stake. We all have to do this. There is no choice. It is like when Doug and I moved in December. It unfolded. We knew we wanted to move at some point. It then became, we had to move, it was time. We got into gear and did what needed to be done. And now, that set the stage for this poignant time. We all have to deal with the immediacy of this moment. Life is at stake and an opportunity for a miracle is at hand. There is no choice but to do what we all need to do.

We all have to give up. And that is all of us, in ways that we have not really had to before. We have to give up to the ripening of this stage of CF with its danger and exhaustion. We have to give up to our circumstances of where we live and work in relationship to the task of caring for Anna. We have to give up our usual control on how our day goes.

I am the one now who has to live a large part of the week away from my personal space. Before we moved it was Doug who had to live away in a room from time to time, lessening the commute. We moved so that we could be together and he could finally be close to work. Now it is reversed. Again, we are not together and he is taking care of the home front and I am in "the apartment" to be near this work of caring for Anna. It is new for me to not be able to control the home environment. That was always my space. I know that is new for Doug too. I am not there to be sure that food is on the table, that the chores are done, the plants watered, and the dog is walked and happy. Now that is his job most of the week along with his day job. That is what he has to give up and that is how he has to grow.

I have to give up my ability to fix it for him. I cannot be in all places at once fixing and mending for everyone in the family so that they can all be happy. I have to let it be OK that I am not there creating the comfort and the space for Doug that I like to. I have to attend to this work, to our daughter. We have all worked so hard to fight against this disease and this is such a moment. We never clearly visualized this time and how it would be. It came upon us as life unfolded. And as it is unfolding it is the lesson of giving up and personal sacrifices that we are facing.

But what we are facing is nothing in comparison to the lessons of letting go that Anna has to learn. In tears and total frustration she tells me of how she cannot have the life that she so loves. CF is taking away and narrowing her life so much. There is little that she can really do on her own besides staying focused on treatments, medications, keeping track of what needs to be done. I am doing the cooking now. Anna loves to cook. I am running the errands. No more jumping in the care to run off to an adventure for Anna now. We are doing this to help her get her life back to have a new life one day soon. To have a life altering surgery that takes out the offending beast that is strangling her life-line of breath and replacing it with healthy new vibrant lungs. Any personal sacrifice seems so trivial to this amazing event we are hoping to be participating in.

But something has happened in all this letting go and giving up. Anna has found a new talent While in the hospital the last few times she began to watercolor. And now, when there is a moment she is taking up the brush. Her painting ability is growing and developing. She has found something new to give her a feeling of accomplishment. Anna never felt that she could be still enough to paint like this. The disease has slowed her down, leading her to a new expression. She responds to what she puts onto the page as if it is a miracle, that she could actually produce art, wonderful talented art.

Is this a lesson for all of us? Isn't this what the natural world teaches us? As we give up and let go there is space for newness. Winter makes way for the beauty of Spring. This is even in the place of tragedy and in illness. There is always a place to find new growth and miracles in our lives. I wonder how it will be for all of us as we continue to have to give up and operate differently in our lives as we do this work for Anna. How will each of us be different? What new talents or parts of ourselves will we find? That is true for you Sara, and you Casey, and you Doug, and me too. And most of all for you Anna, how will life be different and how much more will you know about yourself?