One of Those Days

I wonder, will I ever have a life without this craziness? I used to have time for myself tootling in the garage, making things, feeling creative. It has been a long, long time since then. In the past couple of years I have been dealing with intense things; a dear elderly disabled friend who needed "a daughter"; my poor mother in constant pain, constant Dr. appointments and disability, hospitals and the end of her life; Doug's mom dying from lymphoma; daughter Sara with two ER visits and surgery in a year; buying a new house and selling and moving from our home of 20 years during the Holiday season (the year before we spent Xmas in Stanford ER) and Anna's declining health with multiple hospitalizations and now the eventual transplant list. And this is the short list! (Note: I must write a post about all of this, it is insane!) We have been used to CF being the great interrupter for the last 30 years, but combined with everything else in the past two years or so it is the icing on the cake or as Anna says, the crown on the drama queen that is our family. (Never used to think we were dramatic, but I guess I was wrong) It has been one family crisis after another. Not a lot of time for tootling.......

But, to get to what else is going on, my body also wants to interrupt and be noticed too. It asks for attention and it is definitely getting older with all of the #%#&*!! crap that comes along with it. And yesterday was one of those days when it was my body that contributed to the crazy busyness.

I have been trying to exercise in the morning going for a little run (jog). It really helps me a lot to get some exercise. I think it can be much better than talk therapy. After all how could I ever really talk about all the stuff I listed above, no one would believe it. It is a great way to start the day. So, I did so yesterday morning and had no problem until I noticed that my knee had a bulge. It was a soft to the touch, watery, cushy lump. The back of my shin under my knee was also swollen. No pain though. Hmmmmm. Go away! I do not have time for you! Go away! No good, the bulge still remained. Now what do I do; ignore it, decide if it needs hot or cold, hide it from Anna to not bother her, or what?

Honesty took over when I went to Anna's condo. "I have a swollen leg, look." "Mom, call the doctor it might be a blood clot." OMG just what I need, we need. So, I could no longer ignore the soft cushy bump and fatter left leg even though that was the course I preferred to take. While Anna was sucking in her aerosols Dr. Watson's nurse called me back, I could be seen at 11AM. We worked hard to get through the pounding in time for me to jump in the car and drive to Menlo Park in time. I was sure it would be quick and then I had to return to get Anna to a clinic appointment at 1:30PM.

Well of course, you know how doctor's offices go. I saw Dr. Watson at 11:45. "So, what have you been doing? Have you traveled anywhere lately?" she was fishing for a reason for the swelling, like airplane travel. I looked at her and thought, "travel, you mean like did I just return from a grand vacation in Hawaii or something?" Again, an OMG arose in my mind and I looked at her kind eyes, "You can not believe the stress I have been under. Perhaps all of this fluid in my leg is stored up tears" and the real tears flowed. We hugged. I love Dr. Watson.

But, the swelling in my leg and my knee was not due to the stress and the tears still to be cried. Her first concern was indeed whether I had a blood clot but she was pretty sure it was not. She thought I had a cyst that was on the back of my knee, top of my shin (common as a pre-curser for arthritis!) that had burst and the fluid was filling space in my leg and knee. Even so, we had to rule out blood clot. An Xray of the knee and ultrasound was ordered. Ok mind, yes you heard it, arthritis Not a surprise, age is advancing and it is definitely in the family. Oh but it does not hurt now so I must keep my focus on the task at hand. Time was getting short.

I got my knee Xray and made an appointment for my stat ultrasound at 3PM then jumped in the car, raced (went speed limit really) back to Sunnyvale to pick up Anna. I scrambled getting things ready for her and we jumped in the car and drove to Stanford for her CF clinic appointment. While driving there Anna says, "Mom, this may be my last CF clinic appointment. After I am listed I will be going to the transplant clinic." My head began to spin. The implications of "the last CF clinic appointment" was startling. I have been going there for so long. What did this mean? It meant so many things, I could only seize on the meanings that I wanted it to mean. It has to mean that we are closer to our miracle. That is the best meaning for sure.

We sat in the clinic waiting room then the clinic exam room until it was time for me to jump again into the car and drive to my ultrasound. I finished my medical appointment, got in the car again, drove back to Stanford, parked, walked to the clinic, opened the exam door and was able to participate at the end of Anna's meeting with her CF doc. Again, OMG what a day. It was 4:30 and dear Anna finally had time for lunch, a PB&J.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig and back to the Wednesday routine, second treatment, dinner, the dance show, So You Think You Can Dance, third treatment and back to the apartment by 10:30..........tired. Forgot to mention........no blood clot, TG.