Home Again

Day 102 awaiting for the call for Anna's double lung transplant...

Hospital stay was less than 24 hours, a record and a relief. Feeling punky still, tired too. Time to enjoy November. Can not believe it is November already. Wait, I better believe it and enjoy it too. Autumn is my favorite time. It is especially beautiful in Livermore in the vineyard...

In The Hospital.............

Day 101................

Today, I mean yesterday was a different day than we expected. We were to go get our shots to cover for whooping cough, pertussis, because of the epidemic in the bay area. If you have not thought about this, it is a good idea to see if you need to be re-immunized. Our whole family will get them along with our flu shots. But, we never got there, instead now I am here, sitting next to Anna in her hospital room. Not much sleep for us tonight.

CF gut raised its ugly head today without warning. Anna had tremendous abdominal pain all afternoon. After driving to Stanford for an Xray and then driving back home we were told to return and enter through the ER to be admitted. When this type of blockage happens you have to be aggressive or these CFers can get into big tummy trouble. So, the amazing thing is that the dreaded ER turned out to be no problem. It must have been some kind of record. We left Anna's house at 8PM, got into a room in the ER and by 10PM Anna was admitted into a room on a floor in the hospital. We planned that we would be spending most of the night in the ER so to be able to go to a private room so quickly was fantastic. While we were in the ER they kept saying that we must have some friends in the hospital to make that happen so fast. It never happens like that. We will take it, a little magic in the ER is great. So tonight I have a cot, helping Anna through this tough blockage. Things are already getting better........... hopefully she is not be here too long.

Did you know that Oprah is on at 1AM? Now I do.......

A Canoe Ride On A Sunday Morning

I have been trying to observe this experience closely. I am watching the thoughts and stories cross my mind about waiting. Sometimes people might say, well, if you just stop thinking about it, then it will happen. Do you really think so? and.... Do you really think that it is possible to not think about this all of the time?

There have been times when I "forgot" about it. Like in the movies when we were absorbed into the story, like when I day dream about "other things". And guess what? Yep, during those times, even though I did not think about it, Anna did not get her call. Makes me think, this has nothing to do with what ever we think or do. It is all about going for the ride. Part of the ride is the anxiety and wishing for it to end. Observe that. This mirror of the mind shows us how we think and process this type of situation.

We have seen ourselves watching our mind streams. It is funny some times how we have moments when we can not stand it any more and moments when it is OK. We have seen times when we have noticed emotions, joy and sadness, triumph and frustration. We have also watched ourselves entertain our minds with humor and the creation of funny connections and signs to fill the air with something to do to pass the time with a positive flair. It is all our minds and our thoughts. Meanwhile the world goes round and the intricate web that connects Anna with her donor can not be seen by us but is it influenced by our willingness? That is a big question.

When you stop to observe this mind stuff it does give you a moment to reflect on the awe inspiring process of it all. When you look at the stream of thoughts floating by you realize that is what they are, just a part of the stream, part of the river. So, we have a choice. We can flow or get entangled with the thoughts that flow along with us whether we want them there or not.

Connected to this are the wonderings about two friends of Anna's on the list. Last week Steve received his lungs with only two weeks of waiting. Hardly a flow on the river from our definition, but it was his flow. He had his transplant when it was karmically the right time for him and his donor. Then there is another friend of Anna's who has been on the list for 8 months. She had one dry run but no viable lungs for her. Last week at her clinic visit it turns out that her lungs have improved so much that she is taking a leave from the list. So interesting. It just has not been her time. Each person has their own story held with a mysterious wrapping. Both of these cases have given Anna more confidence that the process works and has its own justice. It is part of the unseen order that is in nature. It unfolds as it should. There is always spring, summer, fall and winter. There is a pattern, there is a web that we are a part of, collectively and individually. This is what makes life so interesting, intriguing, scary at times, and wonderous. This is what faith is, believing in the flow.......

So, new visualization, I am in a canoe, the water is flowing, the scenery is beautiful, autumn colors splash in the trees, a soft light fills the sky, all is well, we are just a tiny part of this amazing journey through our universe. Peace to my universe. Peace to your universe.

Calm The Mind, Delight The Heart

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
Visits Ronald McDonald House, Stanford
10-13-10

May the peace from these blessings fill hearts and remove all obstacles.
For the benefit of all beings.

A Jewish Blessing

Day 93 or exactly 3 months on the list..........

Today Anna had a CF clinic appointment. The last one was 6 weeks ago. We really did not think she would be going to this one but there we were. Nothing has changed. All her numbers have stayed stable. She is doing great and they are proud of her. We asked Dr. Dhillon (a CF physician and a lung transplant physician rolled into one) if there had been activity around Anna's name. He said that she has been discussed for lungs recently, he did not say how many times but it certainly seemed more than once. The main issue that he said was of concern with the lung offerings was the size. There has not been a perfect match yet. He said that when a patient is being discussed regularly it means that it will be soon. Now there is that word again, soon, such a relative term. Even so he was encouraging. Anna is getting excited. Since her friend Steve got his lungs yesterday she has gotten very excited and more ready than ever. Ready to get on with the show.

Because we have had some very special spiritual experiences during this journey Anna's interest in the experience of healing blessings and prayers has been peeked. One type of blessing that she felt that she wanted prior to the transplant was a Jewish Blessing. She has a lovely prayer quilt from her friend Courtney's prayer group, a special and personal blessing from the Dalai Lama, all of the prayers from everyone out there offering up to their God or spirit energy for Anna but because of her heritage Anna really also wanted a personal Jewish blessing.

When she first requested this I immediately thought of my friend, Chaplain Bruce Feldstein at Stanford. Bruce is a medical doctor turned Jewish Chaplain who I served with 10 years ago at Stanford. He is a wonderful and very healing man. Well of course as our days go, right after the clinic visit as we walked down the hall there was Bruce! I had not seen him for a year. We told him of Anna's desire and he took us to a quiet waiting room and sung the most beautiful Jewish blessing prayer for Anna. He invoked the archangels to give her loving kindness, strength, light and healing for this journey. Bruce also prayed for the transplant in a way that honored the unfolding of life's events and the gratitude that will come through intersecting with someone's life who has the compassion to donate organs to some one who needs them to live. It was sweet and beautiful and a completion in a sense. Ask and it shall be given. As a blessings collector, Anna has collected a wonderful bunch.

So many blessings, so much good energy. We can feel it all and are just excited. We are letting it flow and letting it go.............

P.S. transplant number 6 for October at Stanford is being performed at this moment. Amazing, 6! We are on a roll........ Anna would love to be 7. We shall see............

A Shared Journey

Day 92 going with the flow and awaiting the perfect match for Anna......

Tonight I drove to Stanford Hospital to say hello to friends whose dearest Steve was in surgery for a lung transplant. We have known this family many years, 20 + years. We were all involved in CFRI and Anna met Steve and Stephanie through CF Camp.

It was one month ago when Anna had her last pretransplant clinic appointment that we saw them. Steve who has CF was being evaluated for a transplant. Seeing him concerned and worried us. It just shows that you never know about these things. Steve has been on the list for only two weeks and his perfect match was made yesterday. As I am writing this blog he is in the final stages of his surgery. Last night it was thought his surgery would be at 2AM but it was pushed off to 2:30PM today. He is the 5th lung transplant recipient this month. Who would have ever thought that he would be transplanted before Anna? But, we are thrilled and relieved for him.

It was wonderful to sit in the waiting room with his mom, Barbara, wife, Stephanie and his best friend and sister. How exciting to think of a new life. He is 41 and he and his wife have a 3 month old baby. He now will have the energy to be a dad and live to see his child grow. So amazing, no more crappy lungs.

We dreamt about the next Transplant Olympics. In healthier days Steve was a swimmer as Anna was. I recruited Anna into this without her there (sorry Anna, an overly aggressive Mom) but we thought we would go together and watch them swim and maybe Ana and Isa and Anna and Steve could form a relay team to compete together. These ideas make you giddy. There is so much hope and possibility in the transplant arena. Yes, there are still dangers and complications and a bunch of yucky stuff our dear and courageous loved ones must endure but the good stuff is so close we can all taste it.

Sharing the journey is very special. We are rooting for them. Go Steve........... and we will continue to let it flow and let it go...........

Be Like A Dog

Day 91 or 13 weeks awaiting the call for Anna's double lung transplant....

So October 23 has come and gone. Our great math magic for predicting transplants seems to have failed. Oh Hummmmmmm. It is back to living in the moment and each day as it comes. Makes you wish you were a dog. There are a number of dogs in Anna Banana's Bunch and Roxy is one of them. You know life as a dog has great advantages. Roxy does not have a clue that we are waiting. She is waiting with us but you know she does not care. All she cares about is wagging her tail, kissing our faces and going for a walk, with a few treats thrown in between. Life as a dog is lived being present, not preoccupied with concern or worry. So it is time to live more like my friend Roxy.

Actually we now have no more future predictions to test out. That is a relief. We will now move forward with our tongue in our cheek our sense of humor attached some where in our minds and our tail wagging while we seek out signs, signs every where signs. Just for fun of course.

And here is an update on the goat yogurt, not sure at this point if it is a sign. I have now consumed 21 containers in this apartment. More has been eaten other places but what goes on here is what is of importance as I gather the vital statistics of this waiting period after 13 weeks have now passed.

And, special thanks to all of Anna's Banana Bunchers. The photos are wonderful as a collage. It makes Anna so happy. So cool to see so many friends and family being so supportive.

So, that is the update for now. All is well and we are waiting. Oh, by the way, there have been 3 lung transplants at Stanford this month with two more happening tonight as I write. Sara is on her way now to get a consent form signed so the old lungs can be researched in the CF Lab. Amazing, all you have to do is be like a dog, be patient, live in the now and lung transplants happen. 5 for this month is a lot. Maybe Anna's will be soon. It requires a match, the perfect match at the perfect time. The truth is no one knows when that will be. It is a cosmic secret never to be revealed until it is time. We will wait. It will happen. There have been enough signs to know that much at least............