May All Continue To Go Well

The cold weather has returned. So glad we went to the beach when we did. Week 10 is about to begin. The tiredness is not as intense. I started some acupuncture a week ago and have now had 4 treatments. There is something about this Chinese medicine. I know that there are studies that show it not effective but there are others that show it to help with pain. I guess I am going for the pain. It is the pain of tiredness, soreness in the legs, and general pain of life. Wanting to get through this final period with a sense of rejuvenation, ready for an energetic Spring and year to come. I have sought out acupuncture at certain periods of my life for about 30 years now. It seems to work for me. What I do know is that that hour on the table with needles inserted, a room darkened, gentle music playing and a kind soul caring for me does the trick. I always leave with a sense of deep, deep rest. Just what I need.

This week will include a clinic visit, rehab and the continued process just begun of cleaning out Anna's cupboards. She is starting to reclaim her home and its contents. Even after going for "an hour" walk she can recover and keep at it. The young woman is starting to act like a "normie" like you and me. We take our ability to have our day and all the things that we do definitely for granted. To someone with serious chronic illness the normal things can not get done like they do for us. But now, Anna is starting to getting them done. Wonderful.

At clinic we will talk about our transition to normal. I will have to give 30 days notice to leave my apartment and I am hoping that I can give notice this week! That means that hopefully in this month Anna will begin to drive again after a year of not being able to while taking over or rather, taking back her life with me shrinking back into the shadows. I will always be there when needed of course, of course but it is time for new life and more time with our honeys. Less time as a tied at the hip mother daughter team. It is time. It is time. I am only thinking positive for Anna's continued healing and recovery to move forward. May all continue to go well..............

A Day At The Beach

January at the Beach, Ahhhhh......

The weather in California is unseasonably warm. Yesterday we went to the beach. Sorry to those who live in other parts of the country but it was gorgeous in the 70's here. Another outing that is reminding us of healing and why it is so good to be alive and to breathe.

Every where you look there are treasures to be found.

9 Weeks Post

Mother Sculpture

On Saturday it was 2 months and today it is 9 weeks post transplant.....

The days are passing with out crisis, with continued healing and more and more indications of "normalcy". Yesterday Anna said, "Remember when Breath'n Steven wrote that it is amazing to breathe every day with his new lungs? He is right. It is hard to believe this. Every breath is amazing."

We are at the 9 week mark now. 12 weeks has been the magic number to us and so we are getting closer. It is at 12 weeks that most transplantees can begin to drive again and are not in so much need of help and constant care giving. Soon we are going to have to think about our transition so that it is not too abrupt in my absence. I imagine we will go a little at a time. Anna talked about her needing help her entire life and how strange it will be to not need help if that will really be so. It is true that we made choices with Anna that centered around her need of support for her entire life. I am sure she will still need some but the thought of a healthy, independent Anna who can finally strike out of the binds is quite wonderful.

As we are getting closer to this time of transition it seems it is harder and harder for me to continue doing this. It must be because we are coming to an end to this part of the journey I am unraveling the tight holding on. The call to be "at home" with Doug is so strong. I miss my life of tootling around the house, coming and going on my own schedule and long periods of aloneness where I can concentrate on my creations. This morning I thought that instead of resisting these feelings or feeling bad about them I should dive into the "I have had enough of this program". I should not ruminate on it but feel it. What does it feel like to want this chapter to be over and to get on with my life?

Perhaps it is that there is something bubbling inside that wants to burst forth. The bubbling is lapping at the walls of my restricted life. It is reminding me that there are other things to do. This makes me anxious in some ways as I am fearful that more complications or family crises may arise preventing or delaying me from this uncorking. I am also weary, weary and weary. It is not that the healing, the joy of Anna's new found health and the breaks and times at home now are not rejuvinating. It is the weariness of the length of time of all of this. It has been a long haul for me to give and give and give. The weariness comes from the part of me that needs change, freedom to move and create and periods of deep inward time. It will take a while in my own space for the weariness to leave.

And then I taste the weariness. The first thing that comes to me is how it connects me to other women. It is the feminine, the mother that holds the sick child and nurses with every drop in her breast. Every mother has felt the weariness, the tiredness that comes with the infant up at night and the lack of sleep. The worry about your child from early ages into the teen years. There are times when you just want to shake it off for just a moment but the love and connection is so deep you never, ever would. This mother earthness is apart of us and necessary to keep it all going.

And here we are. It is a good week. The sun is shining and we are in our schedule of pulmonary rehab, blood draws, walks in the lovely weather, eating out (and eating too much). We need more winter but this taste of Spring has been so nice. Anna is wondering how her life is to unfold and is learning a new way to be. I am carrying my restlessness and weariness in a bundle at my side, reminding me to keep stepping forward. We are getting there.

We Are So Blessed

Five Women, Blessed By Life and Its Gifts, Japan, Oct. 2009

Our week began with celebrating the January birthday of our twin friends, Ana and Isa. We were treated to a traditional Japanese new year dinner made by them. It was fun and delicious. It was also Anna's first evening outing. And even more importantly, it was the first time after getting out of the hospital that Anna and Ana and Isa did not have to be concerned about CF cross infection issues amongst each other as there were no infected CF lungs in the room that could pollute the party atmosphere. This is a very monumental shift for them and their friendships.

Our gathering was a celebration of the miracle of becoming 39 years old for Ana and Isa and the miracle of new life and a new year for Anna and our family. In the photo above I am in Japan with Ana and Isa and two other CF moms, Rumiko and Mrs. Adachi. Sadly, Rumiko's daughter was unable to receive the blessing of transplant before she passed away from CF. Rumiko celebrates the miracle of her daughter's life everyday and is involved in the CF community in Japan carrying the beauty of her daughter with her as she reaches out to others. Sitting in front of me in the photo is Akihiro's mother who on Christmas Day, 2010 was the first CF patient to receive a double lung transplant in Japan. The Adachi family is experiencing this miracle now and we send our love and prayers for continued healing.

At the party we learned more about the completion of the the film, The Power of Two. (A powerful and excellent documentary about Ana and Isa as double lung recipients, organ donation, Japan's cultural issues about transplant and the miracle of transplant). Ana and Isa just returned from a private showing for the music artists whose songs are in the film. Most of the artists did not know anything about the film prior to the showing. The feedback was very, very positive. It was considered engaging, moving and informative. Anna Modlin was considered a central figure in the film as she is shown pre transplant suffering from her lung disease waiting for her miracle gift. Everyone wanted to know how she is doing and they want her to travel with the film as it goes to film festivals. Time will tell if she will be able to do so.

I wish I could say, it will be opening on a certain date and time to direct everyone to see it but we must wait for film festivals and other opportunities to open up for its debut. But, please watch for it in the next year. At the private showing two artists performed songs that are in the film. One is by Sara Melson. We were emailed this song while Anna was in the hospital. We had heard it once before when we saw a preliminary viewing of the movie but did not remember it all. It is an amazing song that is tied to Anna's appearance in the film. When we could really listen to the words we realized it sounded as though it was written just for her. We had deep cathartic cries while the IV's beeped, the nurse interrupted and the hospital thing kept going on. We could feel it coming...... She is so honored to be able to associate her story to this song. I have included a link to the song for you to hear and see the music video. Click on this link.

Sara Melson, Feel It Coming

To learn more about the movie, if you have not seen this before, here is a link to the current trailer for the movie.

The Power of Two Movie Trailer

We are so lucky and so blessed by life's gifts........... Isn't it all so amazing?

Happy Birthday Ana and Isa and again, Happy New Year Everyone!

Working on Chapter Two

now eight weeks, two days post transplant....

The idea of normalcy is growing, like a plant. A plant? Yeah, the roots are there from the past, the shoot is coming out of the ground where it was dark and dirty. We are wiping our eyes of the residue and the leaves are unfurling, like a plant. Some times poetic metaphor sounds kind of dumb, like a plant or like a lotus. But it is useful when you want to convey an image. I think that is why we do it even though sometimes it seems so trite.

Anna is now transitioned into her condo. After a weekend there it did not make sense of her to move back to the apartment. She is mastering her stairs and that is making her legs stronger and her stuff is there. So there she is like a Sees candy in a box. A Sees candy in a box? Yeah, she is a sweet thing surrounded by her sweeties (cats, Milton and Jack, and her Casey) like a Sees candy in a box.

Being back there is awakening the routine of old. It was in Anna's condo that we were doing the waiting, the treatments, the O2 etc. No more and being there it does feel so strange. Now our normal is a new routine. There are times in the day when a bell goes off and you say, "time for treatment!" Wait, no, no more. And yesterday, another remnant of the past was found in the cupboard, her pill boxes with the regimen of CF gathered for the day to day. All pills were removed to their former bottle homes and the old boxes were dumped. The new pill routine has its own new box. I have not been dumped yet but I am looking forward to the day. I told Anna, "when you are making dinner for me, I am leaving. That will be our marker." We will see what week 12 will bring, hopefully more independence and Anna being able to drive.

We came back from our weekend break to this routine with other musings to think about. Anna and Casey are making plans for future adventures and Doug and I were thinking about other real estate, buying rugs, planting gardens, miniature horses to raise, and other fun things. As Anna said, "thank God we are moving on and thinking about other things!" And, early yesterday she declared, we are now in Chapter 2, "Play Hard"! OK!

Now, we all have to tone and get fit to do the Playing Hard part of chapter 2. On Tuesdays and Thursdays Anna and Steve work out together at rehab. Each time they are stronger and improving. I am trying now to get into the act and starting to stretch and care for my poor old sore muscles and bones. I am going to have to catch up to Anna who I am sure will surpass me at some point. And won't that be great like a dream come true............. (my favorite metaphor).

Normalcy

Just short of 8 weeks post transplant......
I changed the heading to the blog.........

A little bit of normalcy. What are the reminders of normalcy? Is it the coffee brewing with the aroma of fresh grounds waking up the morning? Is it the little things around the the house that make you smile and remember where they came from? Funny how seeing a little thing on a shelf can flood the mind with a story. Did it come from the garage sale two years ago when you were just out and about or from your favorite store that had a clearance sale? Maybe you got the best deal ever and will never forget that moment.

I see the little pig on my stove in Murphys. Happy times fill me. It was at a garage sale not far from here. A pig collection was on display spilling out of the open garage. Ladies who knew each other greeted each other with, "haven't seen you for a while." That is when I saw the smiling pig. He said, "take me home". A woman a little older than me told me that everyone gave her pigs because her husband was a cop! Funny, her friends kept giving her these gifts with a chuckle in their hearts. I thought that was so cute. I just had to have the little pig that made me want to do a little jig. Now I see him sitting there always to greet me when ever I am so lucky to get to Murphys. That is a type of normalcy for me.

Being here with my hubby is normalcy. Anna is home with her honey caring for her. That is normalcy or the way it "should" be. We have a weekend away. Anna is now well enough with no more home IVs or aerosols or any other appointments until Tuesday morning. It is as though the sun came out and offered a reprieve to the darker days. We know we are not out of the woods yet but things they are a changing. They are changing for the good with movement toward normalcy.

Things will always change. This is the one thing we can all be sure of. When we are in our darkest moments, that is one thing we can think about to give us comfort, "this too will pass". This is one of the foundations of Buddhist thought. All things change, all things are impermanent. This idea and this truth of nature and the way things are helps one to go the full circle. Some times the change is not what we want it to be but it is change. Alongside one undesired change will be another that is desirable. We just have to look for it, recognize it and it helps to accept it all. It is like the winter we have outside our windows. The beautiful leaves are gone making all things look barren yet the silhouette of the the tree's limbs reach out to the sky in such an intriguing sight. It is beautiful in its own way.

I love the winter and being in nature where I can see it, feel it and hear it. When I stand outside I can hear the silence filled with a swollen creek. The flow of water over rocks that have been there for many, many years, perhaps even hundreds of years. I listen to the swoosh and constant movements of each drop and think of the Miwoks who lived here and ground their acorns in the holes beside the creek. I can imagine the little children up to mischief splashing near their mothers.

I can imagine the hundreds of deer that once roamed on the hills. I sense the peace of the ancient ground of this place. That was normalcy for the peoples that used to live here. So much time, so much destruction, so much pain and sorrow, so much rebuilding, so much change has come and gone and yet I get to stand here and revel in the beauty and love this moment. I am grateful, grateful for it all because it just is the way it is. I will try to be kinder and gentler than my peoples' history that contributed to the pain and destruction. That is all I can do about that. I can not change what happened then. I can now honor the story and seek a better way, a better way to preserve some of this for others to come. For sure I am part of the change and impermanence this place represents. I am here now but will not be one day. Once again, I love this moment.

Normalcy is a personal and very relative term.

ART

Tuesday Anna started to notice the prednisone taper. She was feeling tired, a little lethargic and potentially grumpy. That is what can happen when you get off the miracle drug. Prednisone has saved Anna's life many times and has been an important part of her therapy through CF and now is vital in transplant. Prednisone is one of the key immuno suppressants that will keep her body from rejecting her new lungs. Eventually she will taper to 5 mg per day forever. So, the mood swings and changes will be part of the adjustments to this new life.

After a day of Stanford, again, and then pulmonary rehab at Sequoia where Anna teamed up with her buddy Steve to "workout" we ended the day with another plate of great food. We sure love to eat. As we chewed and talked I began thinking about what type of art project I might create when I "get my life back". Anna said, "You have not talked like that for a long time." I concurred and thought about when the last time was that I entered my creative world. Anna chimed in, "I know when the art stopped. The last day you worked on a project was the day I helped you set the rebar in the form to start a new sculpture." Once I thought about it I realized that she was right.

It has been about 2 1/2 years. A remarkable length of time since I have been able to really be in my studio and freely create. How could that much time have gone by? Now I remember. I set that rebar to begin a sculpture of a woman representing bounty, fullness and prosperity. It was to be one of my concrete series of mosaic women. It sits in my new studio in Livermore waiting for me to add the wire mesh, more rebar, concrete, and creativity. Perhaps the theme of abundance is more appropriate now after all I have gone through in the past 2 1/2 years.

I left the beginnings of the sculpture in my Palo Alto garage when I flew with Sara to Rome. We visited the magnificent city and Venice and then traveled to England. We had so much fun. I left her there for a quarter of study at a university. On my journey home I was in the Dallas airport when I called home to say I was on my way. It was then I was told Mom went by ambulance to the hospital. This is what greeted me. My mom was on her decline toward her exit. The next 8 months with Mom were so difficult. She had migraine headaches that destroyed any positive experience left for her at the end of her life. But, not only was I dealing with Mom, Doug's mom had lymphoma and was heading for her end of life struggle.

By December of 2008 both of our moms had suffered through months of disease and needed so much emotional support. Doug, me and Roxy drove to Reno to be with Renee and Doug's brother and wife to help her transition to her death. We were with her as she took her final breath. It was an honor to be able to be there for her. But it was true, at that time, it was only a part of the drama of our lives. The difficulties continued. Making space for art creation continued to be impossible.

In 2009 my Mom, my dear sweet mom had so much discomfort due to her headaches, and what I also diagnosed as "heartache". We visited the neurologist frequently and tried so many things that never worked to give her relief. In April of that year she fell at her doorway and broke her hip. I ran to be at her side and got there just as the emergency team was wheeling her toward the elevator. We met in the ER. I could see that this was it for her. She had found her long desired exit. Mom's hip surgery was successful but healing would require effort and determination to get well. She did not have that. She told my sister, Sue and I that she did not want to get well, she wanted to go. That was on a Wednesday morning. By Saturday at 6PM my mom left her pain and loneliness for my dad with her family around her. It was such a gift for her to allow us to comfort her and be with her as she passed.

That period of time also included my Sara being hospitalized twice. She is the healthy one but it was her turn. One of the hospitalizations was on Christmas eve and day, 2008 and the other was just as she was to begin her senior year and needed her appendix removed. Drama, drama, drama in our family. We all wondered when it would ever end. And it did not!. Of course next Anna began her decline and we decided it was time to move. You guessed it, any time for serious art making? No way.

So here we are and this blog has chronicled the drama of the past 6 months including my two surgeries, one on my knee and the little one on my face and of course, Anna's transplant. Will I ever do art again? I hope so. Last night we got out some art supplies. We don't have much with us here but I made a collage. Finally, some creating with images and color. It is of course a collage about the transplant. One thing that strikes me about it is that we have been through so much that has been so difficult, painful, sad and all of it but you do not see that in the collage. It is curious to me. Our life has not been all about all of that hard stuff. We also have had lots of fun and good, good times. So, I see hope in this image. I see spirit. I see family. I see new life. What a relief. Maybe the tide is turning............

Anna says to me this morning, "Mom we are in a new chapter now. I think it is time to change some things on your blog. We are moving on." Thanks Anna. I may do that.

The First PFT Post Transplant.....

Seven weeks post transplant on Monday and a clinic visit..........



"OK, here I am in the fated PFT room and chamber. This is what I have been dreading, the 'numbers'. The numbers have determined my fate forever. The numbers determined my eligibility to the T list. And now, this is the moment with my new lungs, the first base line number of a PFT."

"OK Anna. They can not hear my thoughts. They don't know that I am sitting here saying to myself, #@$!!&%$#@#@!!!!! But, I am. I am getting ready. I can't get away without doing this. Here I go."

"They say it will be OK. They say I should not worry. They say my numbers will go up over time. Oh what the ......... time to lighten up and do what I do."

"Breathe in and blow, blow, blow"

"Keep it coming, blow, blow, a little more......"

"OK, I did it, and I did not cough. I do not feel like holy crap after. I can breathe. Amazing."

"They say, no obstructions. They say it looks good. Can it be?"

"Hey PFT, maybe we can be friends, after all."



" Not bad, not bad at all."

Anna's first pft was an FEV1 of 66% and the small airways at 109%. Pre transplant it was FEV1 of 28% and small airways were at 9%. FEV1 is how much air you can expel in 1 second. This is a critical number in CF. Great place to start Anna. The lungs are working. They just need to expand more and be worked. We look forward to seeing progress in the PFT room this year rather than the dreaded drops as CF progressed. Wish these numbers could no longer be a determining factor but they will be. They will help to determine how she is doing and whether she has some rejection. It is just the way it is.

Bye Bye CF Stuff...........

It never ceases to amaze Anna that her O2 sats hover at 99 to 100%
She found her sat meter today and just had to check.

(After a day or two of rest my virus left, energy returned and I returned to Sunnyvale.) Today was a very good day that started out early. We had to be at Stanford by 7:30AM for a blood draw. Then, we were up and out so went to Hobee's for breakfast. Anna ate a large breakfast. What was just a few days ago symptoms of slow gastric emptying now seems to have eased. She can eat well with little discomfort now. Another sign of healing for sure.

We went shopping for fun after eating. While in the store I got a call from the nurse coordinator. Anna's INR level, blood clotting factor or coumadin level was way high and so was the prograf level. I was told, "don't let her near knives, or let her fall or bruise today." Oh, OK, no knives. I felt that I was in charge of a delicate china doll more than ever. I hovered over Anna and watched every move. This balancing act of medications, blood sugars, digestion and healing is tricky. One day it is on the mark and another it is off. I suppose it will still take a while to get the dosages perfect. So, we must have blood draws Sat, Sun and Monday too.

The big event of the day was O2 pick up! Finally, today, Anna and I ventured to her house to see the kitties and get rid of the bulky liquid oxygen tanks. There was also some ceremonial throwing away of unneeded medicines and putting away, The Vest. Never, never again will Anna have a percussion treatment. Never, never again will she fill bags with mucus filled tissues. Never, never again will her day be determined by the schedule of aerosols and Vest and pounding and coughing and spitting........... Never, never again. Her home is now rid of those CF reminders.

(To be honest, if one day she enters chronic rejection she will need O2 again and some aerosol medicines will still be in her transplant life but the major part of her CF lung pulmonary toilet life is now over, forever.)

Yes, today was a good day. Each day healing is happening. It is wonderful to see. So great to get rid of that past yucky part of CF life...............

And today, we laughed, we laughed so hard, so much harder than ever since transplant. It was an amazing experience. The laugh was only made of air. There were no subsequent coughs. It was trans formative. When Anna was a little one, if I thought she needed to cough out crap I would tickle her and make her laugh producing coughs and coughs and being out of breath. As she grew older and more compromised her laugh coughs became more and more profound. But now, you know what, she can laugh and laugh and enjoy the jiggling, the spasmodic breaths of joy and stop without turning bright red or purple because the laugh caused the cough of the century and the need to gasp for air..........now only joy at the humor that is in life.

Oh Geeezzzz and Oh My

Winter Gardening

Grasses and perennials pruned
Wearing their haircut
Trim and neat
Bearing the memory of Spring to burst forth one day soon

6 weeks post transplant.....

Yesterday when I woke up my voice sounded like a frog. Well many times I have mucus throat, or hetero zygote (gene carrier) CF phlegm that accumulates in my throat. After a little while the thick stuff loosens and goes away. Well my voice was funny all day and even after sucking on zinc lozenges I still was gravely. So, virus? Did not feel sick but Anna was nervous and so was I. Doug and I made the switcheroo........ I came home and he went the other way to take care of Anna until I am virus clear. Guess I do have a little something that is trying to take hold. I am kicking it though. But, did I give it to Anna? Time will tell, but she feels we are so good at washing hands and being careful that there is a good chance she is going to be fine. I hope so.

So rest for me. Ahhhhh. Where my heart is at Anna's side helping her going through all the hoops and loops, it is good for her Dad to be there too. His work has been so supportive and wonderful. We so appreciate the compassion and understanding he has received to get through this period. It is really quite remarkable. We do not ever take these kindnesses for granted. I am so glad that we have this flexibility so that when one of us does succumb to the nasty scourges of viruses we can spell each other.

That is the Oh Geeeeezzzzz part of this. Oh Geeeezzzzzz that I should have the audacity to get something like a virus to keep me from doing "the work". Shouldn't I be better than that? I should never need someone to step in for me. I have had to learn about this way to receive in this past year more than ever before. I have to let go and let it be even though I do not want to. I prefer more control, really now.

But, since I was home I got to receive an Oh My! I asked a neighbor to help me with getting a gardener to do the winter pruning and weeding as I have been so unable to care for the home front. My lovely and kind neighbor has a friend with a gardening business who agreed to do the necessary job for me and they arrived this morning. So wonderful to have women who understand plants, gardens and a fine sense of aesthetics. So wonderful to know these women were caring for my garden while I was resting warm inside. So wonderful to discover they were giving this as a gift to me. I fully expected to pay them for their work but I was told, "you have been going through Hell and dealing this for such a long time. This is our gift to you." Oh My, my eyes swelled with gratitude tears. Such kindness and nurturing from lovely women. I can not tell you how precious this was for me. I have worked so hard for so long fighting CF and all of it and this is the time in my life that it has all come to a head with the transplant and I need this type of love and support so much and it is being offered. Oh, so great, so great. Thank you, thank you.

It is hard to ask when we need help. It is hard to receive even when it is lovingly given. It is like a feeling of embarrassment. I should be able to do it all myself. I should be strong enough. I should not show how vulnerable I am. I should not trouble any one else. I should rise above this. I should walk on water.............. This time I can not. I just can not. So, I have had to ask, I have had to blog, to share about this journey and to be vulnerable and open and see what that is like. It is embarrassing sometimes when someone says, "oh, I love the food you have been eating. The pictures were great." Then I know they have read my blog, know what is going on in my life and I can not hide. But, I put myself there. I am doing this sharing thing. When the embarrassment arises I look at it, feel it, and then I do not hang on to it very long. I have always honored openness and I do know that I have needed to develop more vulnerability in my life. I think that is happening. It is helping me to trust more as what is occurring is kind people are so actively involved in my life. I am receiving the help that I need and it is just so, so wonderful.

Medical update: At Anna's clinic visit yesterday we could see more progress. Anna's creatinine level was 1.0, completely normal kidney function! Everyone was very happy. Anna is needing to adjust blood pressure medications now as the increase in prograf is causing it to rise. But the way transplants are treated is one medication is given to counteract the side effects of the other. It is all a balancing act. Anna just needs to follow orders and take the "damn" pills. They are what will keep her lungs from being rejected. She was also told she just needs to come for clinic once per week right now. Dr. Weill is also putting off any bronchcoscopies. He does not want to do anything invasive at this time as she has been through so much. From his perspective "bronchs" have not proven themselves in studies to be very helpful in determining rejection in comparison to the dangers of the procedure. Other signs such as a drop in pulmonary function, fever, or shortness of breath are better indicators. This is so interesting because there are some transplant centers that do many bronchs and others that do none. There is no one right way to do all of this care. It is up to the discretion of the docs. Must say, we have been very pleased with the attitude and care at Stanford and feel Anna has received the best.

Anna is getting stronger every day and we no longer carry the wheelchair around with us. Go Anna Go..............

Today was the first day of pulmonary rehab, tomorrow is a cytogam infusion to ward off the CMV virus and Thursday is endocrine clinic. (Actually Anna's blood sugars have stayed well in control and she has needed little insulin.)

Touch

Crows Touch The Gray Sky Of Winter

Meanwhile.........

When you are touched by someone you are healed in a very curious way. Touch, touched by a story, touched by a hand, in some way we need touch. It is why we are curious about others and their lives. We do not even know how much we need touch. Our soul seeks it. We need connection through friendship and the intimacy of sharing our humanness. When we are touched by listening through reading or hearing or seeing something real and unveiled by another, we find ourselves. We find those hard to reach places that want to be touched within ourselves by ourselves. Sometimes it is only by mirroring and revealing one to another that those lonely doors in the outbacks of our hearts and minds can be opened.

Touch is also a craft and an art. Touch is what is in the art you look at and go Hmmmmmm. Touch is what is in the human story that you follow and can not stop following. Touch is also in the fingers of someone who gives massage. Thank goodness for those that are talented in the art of massage. Massage and touch to my body deep in the muscles has always been important. Dad and I used to give each other massages. He loved a deep and strong hand digging deep into those strong shoulder muscles of his. I always loved it too. Sprawled on the living room floor we would rub each others back sometimes using those fun implements made of wood and stone to dig deeper into the muscles that held and held and held what needed to be let go of from the day or days or weeks past.

It seems that is what we do, we hold on. We hold on for dear life. This life is so many times like a roller coaster ride. Up , up, up and then when you least expect, swoosh down, hold on, hold on, it is wild. You may not make it there unless your grip is tight, the knuckles white and bones in a grip. The result, you got there and you got there because you think that that holding on prevented you from sailing out of the chair through the air and thump on the ground. Was it the holding that prevented the thump or was it that you would have gotten there any way if you hadn't held so tight? Oh, it must have been our mastery of the holding on. We must have some control and way we stay a float in all of this craziness. Or is it?

Yes, bless those that give massage, deep and loving touch, that helps us find the places we are holding and just won't let go, so that for that hour we can open those tight knuckles and bring color back to their white ghostliness of tight hold. It takes so much energy to keep holding onto the grip and yet it is a gentle reminder of soft music, warm oil and kind hands that helps us relax and renew. Those that know how to offer this type of healing through the touch of the fingers and hands give also of their hearts.

Every time I have a massage I tell myself, "if you can have a massage every week, you would be a changed person." That may be so, but have I ever given myself that luxurious opportunity to indulge in such a rich gift to my body and soul? No, and why not? That is the mystery to all of this isn't it? We need touch, and we find it through our ways of connecting but we never find enough. We keep needing more and more. This seems so human, so common. But yesterday, I did give myself the gift of massage.

Doug and I have found an oasis of healing and comfort that has helped us so much during these storms of the past year. We have found a wonderful healer that offers us such compassion and caring when we enter her healing room. It has helped both of us touch ourselves, let go of the white knuckles, find the breath that releases the holding, feel the warmth of the heated blankets that softens the tight tummy, and totally release, at least for a short time. To lay on her table with the soft blankets covering our vulnerable selves we touch down softly and land where we can trust another to sensitively touch our bodies. Giving ourselves this gift of allowing touch and the movement of her fingers on our backs, arms and legs tells us we appreciate our work, our hard work, our commitment to getting done in life what needs to be done. There is such a satisfying feeling to being so tired from your life that you are spent, totally spent, you have given your all and then angelic music, fragrant smells of flowers, warm oil and firm and gentle fingers find those places where your work is still in your body and invites you to let it go.

That hour of touch is so amazing when you have found a masseuse who you want to be your friend and is talented, loving, caring and full of heart. Thank you, thank you Pam.

Happy New Year 2011

The best way to start the new year........... sleep in and eat. It is cold outside and a day to relax. Breakfast started the day with pancakes and cherries and pancakes and apple pie slices. Lunch, well, that was so fabulous, fresh crab mixed with a little green onion, mayo, lemon, and jack cheese on a baguette and broiled til warm and melty........... oh my..........

and of course for desert, marshmallows roasted on a fire in the vineyard............. oh this is going to be a great new year!