Changes, Moments

Changes, changes
Last weeks 70's has shifted to cold and snow....

Sunday, tomorrow marks 13 weeks post transplant........

The gift and curse of time. Time heals and passes during those times you say to your self, "this too will pass." That is sure, that is something we can count on. But as time passes what is, is no more. There are constant new moments. The moments of promise you have already touched have slipped by. They will not return. So now as this is a moment I do not wish to let just slip by, I notice. I notice the waining moon that lit up the morning sky as I woke up. I notice the snow melting on the deck outside the window. I notice that now I am in a "better" place. I cherish this moment and this noticing.

I think this is why we love the country. It slows us down. It makes us notice. Less zooming cars, less slow cars backed up at each stop light waiting for the train, less concrete covering the soil that accepts the fall leaves, the winter snow, the spring shoots and the summer dry grass. Back to Murphys again to ponder on our new possibilities. Nothing needs to be cast in stone. No decision has to be made that can not be changed but when you are at our age,we seem to weigh things far more carefully. But at this age there is also an advantage of that time that has passed. As it has passed, our experiences have gathered. We can draw on what we have felt, seen, been through and dreamt to find a direction of sorts. Where has our hearts led us? Where do we resonate? What is most important now? How do we create our lives? What flavor is most delicious?

Coming out of the intensity of the last year can be greeted as a rebirth of sorts. I think this can apply to many such experiences of intense human living. Whether it is a death of a loved one, a divorce, a transplant and saving a daughter's life, an accident, a job loss or other extraordinary times, one can feel the pain, the transition, and open to new possibilities. They are always there. They exist in those moments that you begin to notice. I know that Anna is also listening, noticing, realizing that this is an opportunity, a new turn in her life. She must also draw on her past, what she knows and now what other things she wishes to learn about. The world is open. Where does she resonate? What nurtures her? What nurtures anyone of us in our lives? Are we living the life that we want? Can we make even small changes that can lead us to our preferred life direction? Is there something now that speaks to what you want? Can you notice it? Can you acknowledge it?

We passed a milestone last week. Anna drove with me in the passenger seat. Things are getting better. Each week there is a level of strength that is growing. Independence is not far away. She continues to do well. I feel more "normal" too. I am less tired. As Vincent, the acupuncturist told me, "as you rest more and more, you will feel better." Rest helps us to restore. I am restoring. This is all good and my mind is on the positive today but Tuesday I go back to the orthopedic surgeon. An MRI on Wed showed a significant meniscus tear in my "other" knee. The right knee has the tell tale signs of intense swelling, stiffness and the general inability to get me around properly. Oh boy. Well, what a way to end this journey, the way I started it, but this time Anna has agreed to be my caregiver as I recover from the next knee surgery. I guess it will be poetic justice and a karmic payback. My turn again to be vulnerable and now I will let my newly made daughter with gorgeous lungs shop for me and bring me tea. May this time pass too but not without noticing as many moments as I can.